Opinion

For the nervous bathroom goers

Using the bathroom is a very serious issue. It may seem like a menial task our bodies simply must do, but to others it’s not so easy. If you aren’t one of us, then God has certainly blessed you.

But if you’re a nervous pooper like me, then listen up because I have some great pooping bathroom suggestions on this campus for you. Explore at your leisure before you find your favorite.

Unfortunately, I can only speak from the experience of using the little boy’s room. However, I like to live under the assumption that the women’s room, which typically exists within 10 feet of the men’s, is about the same, so I hope women can use this advice as well.

There are two distinct categories of nervous poopers: the clean freaks and the private poopers. Make sure you know which one you are because these recommendations are somewhat mutually exclusive based on your preference.

We’ll begin with the people who need a sanitary environment where they feel safe and secure enough to produce a number two. Most importantly, you don’t feel the need to lay layers of toilet paper across the toilet each time you rest your buttocks on the seat.

Clean freaks, there is solace for you in various places on Bradley’s campus. The overall cleanest bathroom I have experienced is nestled in the ground floor of Westlake Hall. As a communications major, I have seldom had the opportunity to have a class in Westlake. However, when I was blessed with the opportunity to use this bathroom, I seriously thought about changing my major just so I could use those glorious porcelain thrones.

This massive bathroom in Westlake has dim lighting and sleek utilities, creating an atmosphere that almost feels futuristic. It gives you a sense that while you are doing the grossest natural human function, you will forever remain unscathed of the damage left by the men or women who have come before you.

If you’re like me and are never in Westlake, then where can you go that’s also clean? Though it’s another niche academic building, the Global Communications Center’s second floor bathrooms provide stellar accommodations. Like Westlake, the lighting is soothingly dim. The bathroom seems to be cleaned regularly and, in my dozens of experience in this particular facility, I can say with certainty that it is a fabulous pooping destination.

Meanwhile, the private poopers are concerned about being next to people when they do the deed and fear the embarrassment that could arise from the “plop!” of their business.

Private poopers, have no fear. I know the two perfect places for you. My personal favorite is the Student Center’s basement restroom. It’s very important to not get this confused with the main floor restroom. That place has “danger zone” written all over it.

The Student Center basement is glorious, though. Absolutely no one uses it. In my three years at Bradley, I have literally never seen anyone but myself walk in or out of that bathroom. It is privacy heaven. It’s quiet, peaceful and allows you to unabashedly drop your deuce. Further, when you walk out after occupying the stall for an extended period of time, no one can judge you because there’s no one there to see you.

The other selection is surprising, but I have found great joy in using the bathroom in Baker Hall, which sits directly next to the entrance from Main Street. The nice thing about the arrangement is that it’s small with a lot of natural light. There’s only one stall, so you can’t physically be right next to someone while you’re doing your thing. The restroom is seldom used and allows you ample freedom to be yourself.

This list is not exhaustive, but it’s only a guide from a concerned person of similar anxious ilk. Find the one that works for you, and do your number two in peace.

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