Turkey day: a celebration to give thanks by consuming immense amounts of food and conversing with your family and friends. Unfortunately, the conversation may not always go as planned, and then you are stuck in a pickle full of awkward silences and blank stares.
Fortunately, The Scout is one step ahead of your nosy relatives, and we have all of the greatest passive-aggressive, sarcastic and witty comments for prime retaliation.
Question: Have you put on a little weight?
Answer: No, I’m just really into this bloated, chubby look. It brings out my eyes, don’t you think?
Question: Why are you still single?
Answer: I actually love being alone because it gives me plenty of time to ponder my future plans and think about other happy couples, so that when the time comes, I will have a perfect relationship, just like you!
Question: When are you going to get a job?
Answer: Not any time soon, as long as you keep sending me $5 in the mail every week, Grandma!
Question: What do you want for Christmas?
Answer: The better question is, “What don’t I want for Christmas?” I mean, come on. I’m a college kid. I’ll be excited about anything that doesn’t look like ramen noodles, involve textbooks or require physical activity.
Question: What do you do for fun at school?
Answer: Typically, I just get wasted and partake in any and all recreational drugs at the fraternity parties every Thursday, Friday and Saturday. But that’s only sometimes; more often than not, I just engage in risky behavior with my sex friends and then wake up disoriented.
Question: How’s the food? Dorms? Do you have a favorite shower? How long does it take you to get to class? (any nonsensical, mundane question)
Answer: I’m sorry can you repeat that? I fell asleep while you were rattling off that list of questions that virtually no one cares about. Seriously, is this a game of 20 questions or a police interrogation?
Or, for a universal response, sing the following: “It’s remix to ignition, there’s no food in the kitchen, my whole life is a mess and I can’t afford my tuition.”
