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Darwin’s creative abyss

Here’s the deal: I’m in a creative rut.

Anyone will tell you that’s completely normal, and I know that. Artists go through these all the time. Writers sit at their computers and think for days. Coffee rings stain the tabletops; dark circles form under their eyes. But in the end, it’s always worth it. In the end, they always end up with a masterpiece to show for it.

My problem is, I’ve been in this creative rut for two years and counting. It worries me, especially as an English and journalism double major. Am I losing my mind? Should I drop out of school?

I should probably move back into my parents’ basement.

I don’t remember the last time I had a big, inspirational “aha” moment. Sixth grade creative writing, most likely.

I’m not sure if I’m too tired or if college has just sucked the creative life out of me or if I don’t know how to write anything but MLA-stye analytical papers anymore. Maybe I’m just not trying hard enough.

I write every single day, whether it’s for an English class, or for a journalism class or for my job here at The Scout. I love it, but I’m worried that I’m going to run out of steam. Are my writing abilities like some gas tank, and am I running on empty?

Then I have moments of confidence. I’ll think of a great thesis statement for a paper I’m working on. I’ll get a lede for an article I’m writing on the first attempt.

These moments are different than they used to be, but that’s OK. I used to expect the art and words to come to me like poet Ruth Stone once said they hit her: like thunder barreling down a mountain. She’d rush to find paper and a pencil to write it down immediately. Otherwise, she’d forget them.

Maybe it’s not that I’m not as inspired as I used to be. Maybe it’s just that I’m inspired differently. I’ve been teetering, every day, on the edge of this rut. I just never noticed before because I wasn’t producing novels or paintings or poem collections.

So, can I really call it a creative rut, then? Is it a slump? Or should I dub it a canyon? I’m going to go with “creative abyss” right now, because it’s still there but vastly unexplored.

Maybe I will never break a great story. Maybe I will never give an awesome TED Talk or write the next great American novel. But if I can claw my way out of this abyss, or at least find some sort of glowing jellyfish along the way, I’ll be content.

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