Now that all of the Valentine’s Day consumer craziness has died down, I think it’s time to talk about the holiday’s real purpose: love.
What first comes to mind may be the mushy, butterflies-in-your-stomach, dancing-in-the-kitchen kind of love, but not every relationship looks like that. No relationship is perfect, but there are several scary things in the world disguised as love. We need to make ourselves, and those around us, aware of those things.
There are various organizations and foundations committed to raising awareness for relationship abuse with things like Domestic Violence Awareness Month and Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month. But the conversation shouldn’t be left only to those months, because it happens all the time.
If you know me, you might be surprised that I have personal experience with an abusive relationship – the scary, invisible kind: emotional abuse. I’ve never opened up too much about my experiences because they’re not something I like to reflect on, but it’s important to share, especially when given a platform to do so.
In high school, I got into a relationship with my first boyfriend. Over the course of the 15 months we were together, I lost my closest friends and stopped doing things I enjoyed. My grades suffered, and we broke up six times. Looking back, I see red flags at every turn, but those signs were difficult to see in the moment.
The relationship started off fine: he took me to prom, gave me flowers, bought me dinner, hung out with my friends and even went to church with my family. After that, it all went slowly downhill. He began dictating who I could hang out with and convinced me that my best friends were bad influences. He even started monitoring my texts and conversations because he said he “cared about me and my safety.”
Every time he hurt my feelings, told me I couldn’t do something, canceled my plans or threatened me, he convinced me it was out of love. Afterwards, he would break down and apologize, promising to change. I convinced myself I was OK with that.
As a junior in high school, I was on the starting lineup for my varsity basketball team when we won the state title and was then selected as a state all-star. Many of my teammates had plans to play basketball in college, but I didn’t. He told me I couldn’t.
After escaping the relationship, I felt lost. I was a senior in high school with large aspirations and no direction, and while I could sit here looking back, wallowing in self-pity and what-if’s, it would be a waste of time. Even though it still haunts me from time to time, I’ve moved on and learned from that relationship. I’m so grateful for the place I’m in now. I have several great friends, a loving relationship of over two years and I’m studying what I’m passionate about.
I’m forever grateful for my friends who stood up for me and stood by my side. I strongly encourage you to be that friend, no matter how hard it may be, and to educate yourself on the signs of emotional abuse. I recommend checking out the One Love Foundation’s website – joinonelove.org – for lots of great resources on relationship abuse. It’s time to #LoveBetter, and it starts with one person at a time.
