Inner dialogue of a clueless hockey fan

This scenario is based off previous hockey-watching experiences and does not depict any recent events of the Blackhawks playoff series, which I’d like to remind everyone they are losing in.

[Blackhawks game is five minutes from starting]

Geez, everyone is being loud upstairs, I wonder what’s going on … Oh, hey, playoff hockey! This should be fun. Let’s just take a quick study break.

[Jim Cornelison sings national anthem]

Honestly, this guy is a little obnoxious. Doesn’t he get tired of doing this every game? Like, I know this is his bit, but can’t they change it up every now and then? Whatever, just let Chicago people do their thing. “Go Cubs Go” sucks and they like it, so I guess it makes sense.

[Five minutes into game, no score]

How the hell do you follow the puck? That thing is tiny. I should just stop watching. I literally have no idea what’s going on.

[Goal Blackhawks: Score 1-0 with 14 minutes left in the 1st period]

Oh wow, scoring! Finally! Wait, how did he score? Where did it get past the goalie? Who shot it? Why did like five people get assists on that goal? Whatever, it looked kinda cool, and I guess studying can wait another five minutes.

[End of 1st period: 1-0 Blackhawks]

Wow! That was quick. And I guess that was kind of exciting. I still don’t know what ‘icing’ is, nor can I pronounce the name of a single player born outside the U.S. or Canada, but the announcer talks really fast and there might be a fight. Let’s stay tuned, Alex.

[10 minutes into 2nd period, scuffle breaks out]

Finally, a friggin’ fight! Throw the gloves, this is what I came to see!

[Fight broken up by referees, play resumes]

WTF? I thought they could fight in hockey? When did they ban fighting from hockey? When did the NHL become so soft? This Gary Bettman guy blows.

[Opposing team scores: tied 1-1 with three minutes left in 2nd period]

Oh, wow! I actually saw that one go in! I’m getting the hang of this. But now everyone around me is pissed, and it makes this viewing experience so much less enjoyable. I didn’t even know these guys liked hockey.

[2nd period ends: Score 1-1]

OK, if there’s one thing I know about hockey, it’s that there are three periods, which makes no sense when everyone else in America plays in halves or quarters. Whatever, let’s just hope I don’t have to listen to that stupid “Chelsea Dagger” song again. That was obnoxious.

[Goal Blackhawks: Score 2-1 with 19 minutes left in 3rd period]

Oh, Christ, there it is again! I pray that the Blackhawks lose so they can stop playing that song. Who thought singing, “Da da da, da da da, da da da da da da da,” was a good idea for a song, much less after a goal in hockey?

[Goal Blackhawks: Score 3-1 with 17 minutes left in 3rd period]

This song again?! And where was all this scoring earlier?

[Goal Blackhawks: Score 4-1 with 15 minutes remaining left in 3rd period]

*Bangs head on table* Please, make it stop.

[Goal Blackhawks: Score 5-1 with 10 minutes left in 3rd period]

I’m going to jump out my window head first if they score again.

Game ends. Thankfully, the Blackhawks win 5-1]

Wait, so they don’t, like, rank teams by winning percentage but by points? Hockey is weird, not sure I’ll watch again.

[Friend says, “Let’s go to Crusens and get wasted!”]

If a Blackhawks win means going to Crusens, I’m all in. Go Hawks, bring home the Stanley Cup!