Every year when February turns into March, college basketball moves to the forefront of my attention span. Conference tournaments heat up, automatic bids are won and the rest of the field of 68 is filled in on Selection Sunday.
Although the games themselves are great, there’s one aspect of college basketball that separates it from all other sports … the names of the players that make the sport (Ryan) Funk[y].
This year, NCAA basketball was filled with food, allowing fans to fill their plates. For breakfast there’ll be a (Arlando) Cook (Koh) Flippin Pancake[s] (Thomas) and frying up (Dewayne) Bacon. For lunch, fans munched on (Andrew) Pickles, (Geoff) Beans, (AJ) Cheese-man, (Travis) Rice and a Tacko (Fall). And for dessert, why not (Jack) Purchase a (Jordan) Strawberry Shake (Milton) with (J’Breun) Sprinkles and a (Myles) Cherry on top?
As it has come to be known, March Madness is one tough (Tyus) Battle. In order to succeed, the Admiral[s] (Schofield) and (TayVaughn) Major[s] will have to lead their teams through various (Max) Hazzard[s] and hope no one gets held (Will) Ransom by (Steven) Santa Ana and his (McKay) Cannon[s]. At the end, there can only be one squad with the (Stafford) Trueheart of a (Robert) Champion.
It’s only natural some players get (Michael) Hurt along the road to the Final Four. Health is Precious (Ayah). That’s why all the teams are insured by (Ernest) Aflakpui.
Of course, college basketball wouldn’t be the same without some Divine (Miles) intervention – just recall Paul Jesperson’s buzzer beater to lift Northern Iowa over Texas last year. There’s actually many biblical stories that could be re-created on courts across the country. (Eli) Cain was a (Kethan) Savage who killed his brother with something (Stephon) Sharp. (Jonathon) Isaac was (Kale) Abramson but wasn’t quite as wise as (Mitchell) Solomon, who used his abundance of wealth to build a (Grant) Golden (Matthew) Temple.
Everyone has a different strategy to fill out their bracket. Some fans have a lot of (Corey) Bias and pick their (David) Favorite teams, while others take a Chance (McSpadden) in attempt to gain (Josh) Fortune.
The early round upsets can make any (Tyson) Jolly fan (Melo) Trimble, give them the (Ahsante) Shivers or cause them to (Tres) Tinkle. This year, I already (Trevon) Bluiett. My bracket was DouDou (Gueye).
From Alpha (Diallo) to Omega (Harris), the Unique (Maclean) names of college basketball sure are the Shizz (Alston Jr.)
