Linsanity? Check. Tebowmania? Check. The most powerful man on the face of the earth? Check. I think Bradley’s going to need a bigger campus.
On June 31st, U.S. President Barack Obama is planning to hold a rally for his re-election campaign on the very ground Mitt Romney had his “strong” showing a few weeks ago.
Obama and friends were disappointed Romney thought it was a good idea to try and upstage him in his home state at one of his favorite universities.
“Does Romney even know where Peoria and Bradley College are on the map?” Obama said. “I’m sure he does rich guy things with the Caterpillar CEO frequently but that doesn’t count. I’m the man of the people and Bloomington, I mean, Peoria is my people.”
The rally looks to be a who’s who of modern pop culture.
“We’ve got athletes like Jeremy Lin and Tim Tebow,” Obama Event Coordinator Jay Caves said. “We are bringing Brangelina and Drake. Who is Mitt Romney friends with? Jesse “The Body” Ventura and Arh-nold? Weak.”
In addition to those people, Obama plans to have Jeff Dunham open the rally to tell his famous terrorist jokes and after him, Weeman from Jackass will kick himself in the head for 30 minutes because Obama “gets a ‘kick’ out of that every time.” Obama also plans to have Kim Kardashian, Snooki and Paris Hilton wrestle Pauly Shore, Joan Rivers and Metta World Peace in a cage match.
Obama and his people Skyped with University President Joanne Glasser and other administrators from the top of Mt. Vesuvius while he was at the Illuminati meeting and told them to set aside a day where he could “blow their minds like Bill Clinton blows the sax.”
“Most candidates don’t have bands travel with them,” Caves said. “Obama has Drake and the Foo Fighters on the docket for his entire campaign. Suck on that Mitt.”
Super senior Will Egolf said he’s pumped to see the president.
“I mean we’re just tiny old Bradley,” he said. “I’m glad I’ve stuck around so long on campus to see it.”
Some students were not so happy about this news.
“Is he a president or a rock star?” said senior amusement park technician major Curtis Webb. “I want to know where he stands on issues. I’m afraid I’ll go to the rally and be made fun of if I ask about that.”
Obama answered Webb’s sentiment with one word.
Glasser was very excited to relay this information to the students.
“Mitt is definitely a handsome man,” she said. “But I love a man with power.”
*The Sprout is the Scout’s April Fool’s day edition. The stories and quotes are made up, and most of the photos are doctored and/or fake.