The economic stimulus plan has some high points. However, it’s my thought that it has left a few areas out. And since we’re going to be the ones paying for our country’s mistakes, we should have a say in what some of the money goes toward.
So, Mr. Obama, if you’re out there reading the Scout, here are some last-minute amendments I urge you to consider.
Add Chipotles in Peoria
You would have thought it was the second coming-of-Christ when the Mexican chain’s red-headed step-sister opened a few months ago.
Nonetheless, Qdoba fails to duplicate the authenticity that comes only with a Chipotle vegetarian burrito bowl – thick guac, seasoned beans, fresh salsa. It tastes just like Mexico.
Adding a Chipotle within walking-distance from campus would surely get students to open their wallets, especially if it stays open late on the weekends and offers margaritas and overpriced domestic beer.
This would also create jobs in farming – a central Illinois specialty. Everyone wins.
Give Nickelback, Beyonce $10 million to stop
This non-single lady and group of middle-aged men are probably the worst additions to the music industry in the last 10 years. But for some reason, radio still seems to think it’s a good idea to submerge its listeners into their torture.
It’s no secret the music industry is in trouble – but the reunions of Blink-182 and No Doubt offer a glimmer of hope. If we can replace Nickelback and Beyonce and offer listeners something better, albums and concert tickets may actually start selling again.
Everyone’s offering buy-outs these days. Music industry and government – join the trend!
Create Secretary of Pop Culture cabinet position
Obama has displayed a wealth of popularity among celebrities – high-fiving Ellen DeGeneres, canoodling with Clooney and taking photo ops with the Chicago Bulls. He’s blogged, Blackberry-ed and overall shown a genuine understanding of American pop culture.
However, it’s worrisome that the commander-in-chief may not have enough time to devote to these issues that are clearly imperative for our country. Therefore, adding a cabinet member to handle such issues would take a load off his hands, but still allow money to properly float in a high-grossing industry.
Since Oprah’s last reaction to a possible cabinet position was all but understanding, I’d like to recommend Miley Cyrus. She’s shown she’s a jack of all trades with her singing and acting, and what’s a politician without a salacious background?
The star, who grossed $25 million in 2008, can bring in money in several different areas. She’ll also add some diversity to the cabinet, demonstrating what a nice, warm melting pot America really is.
It’s my first-hand expertise that everything is better with caffeine volting through your blood and brainwaves. And nothing electrifies stronger than a nice, venti Starbucks brew.
No one can kid themselves any longer that Starbucks is a nice, intimate coffee-house – so why doesn’t the corporation just sell itself out fully? Government ownership may be a bit of socialism, but hey, it’s no different than the Big Three automakers.
Coffee rations could work like food stamps. Ten per week, per person, would suffice. And for those of us addicts who would still need more, we would be forced to put our money into the economy. And bonus! – since Starbucks beans come from outside the U.S., we’d be aiding the global economy.
Fully caffeinated, we’ll all be able to work harder and better – increasing productivity and dollars.
That’s what I call stimulating.
Emily Regenold is a junior journalism major from Cincinnati. She is the Scout news editor.
Direct questions, comments and other responses to firstname.lastname@example.org