Ladies and gentlemen, the results are in – the next President of the United States of grand ol’ America is – Sen. Barack Obama!
Through careful investigations and many countless hours spent in the glass cubed rooms on the second floor of Cullom-Davis Library where people look like zoo exhibits, the results were conclusive and 53 percent undisputed.
Not even Miss Cleo could have predicted this stuff, so don’t waste your money on her hotline. Last time I checked, she had some lawsuits to handle, so her hands are all tied up, or shall I say, cuffed up.
Obama will be the next president because of one all-important and deciding factor – he’s way cooler than Sen. John McCain.
Take a look back at the past presidents and their opponents. The one who would fit in better at a college fraternity party is the winner.
Don’t believe me? Let’s run through a brief history of the past 30 years or so.
Ronald Reagan against Jimmy Carter – Reagan was a former actor. Actors are on the cover of every hip teeny-bopper magazine. Reagan was instantly awesome. Not to mention Carter wouldn’t let people buy gas on Sundays. That didn’t really go over well with the members of the “in” crowd who didn’t want to use a horse and buggy to get to church.
So then Reagan again won in 1984. Does it even matter who he ran against? No, because Reagan was practically a member of the A-Team and that’s all he needed. Who did you think gave Mr. T the idea of saying, “I pity the foo!”? Reagan.
So after eight years of suave, no not Rico, Reagan, it was time for his sidekick George H.W. Bush to step up to the plate.
Bush was a pretty cool person. He’s the kind of guy who always threw the barbecue party with the really good steaks.
It also didn’t hurt that he spent eight years with Reagan. He’s like the best friend of the most popular guy in school. Just because he has an association with the coolest person ever means he’s going to be spending a lot of time with the ladies.
Fast forward to 1992. Bill Clinton against the old Bush – Bush lost some of his edge with some poor decisions with the Gulf War while Clinton appeared on MTV. This is when MTV was still a trendsetter, and Clinton was asked some certain questions about drugs. Clinton gave a chuckle and that chuckle sent him into the White House.
1996 was no contest. Bob Dole fell off of the stage. Game over man. Viagra ads came too late for him to have a shot.
In 2000 we were blessed with the most boring race ever. Hard to remember that part of the story once the Florida thing happened. Al Gore was pretty stale at the time; I would have rather been in the “Lockbox” he spoke of every other word than hear him talk about it one more time.
If Gore would have done Saturday Night Live before the election he would have swept every state and probably became king of Canada as well.
Gore won the popular vote, which should mean he was cooler. But wait – people in Montana are nowhere near as hip as people in Florida. I rest my case.
The most recent election pitted Bush Jr. against John Kerry. Let’s dissect this one since it’s the most recent election.
John Kerry had his public relations people release a statement saying he would be doing things to improve his image.
Nobody likes a person who has openly admitted he is trying to become cooler. Kerry could be compared to the guy at a football party who shows up, has no idea what is going on, but groans when a bad play is made and says, “We need to bench Rex Grossman,” when Kyle Orton is the one throwing the football. They try too hard and still fail.
For instance, Kerry made it widely known he went snowboarding and I saw a picture with his thumb and pinky sticking out. Nothing says you’re lame like a hand gesture only used by the cast of “Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure.”
Also, Bush used to smoke marijuana – even people who don’t use the drug think it was cool of him to do that.
And that brings us to the marvelous election of 2008.
Want to know what makes Obama so cool? Well there are many things.
Obama pronounces his first name similar to “rock.” What rock was cool? The Rock was from the glory days of the men wrestling around in a square with only underwear on. The Rock was idolized by men and loved by the ladies. Pretty good association if you ask me.
Obama also preaches change. Generation Y (which is us) is known for being skeptical and ready for things to change.
Also, Obama still goes to the same barber shop for his haircut. And every barber shop is hilarious – well, at least on television they are portrayed that way.
Then there is John McCain. Old, dry and grey.
It’s never a good thing when three simple words like those can perfectly describe a presidential candidate.
Along with him is the stupendous Sarah Palin. Besides lacking the ability to speak, Palin probably wears “mom” pants so that doesn’t help.
“Mom” pants are those pants nobody wears except mothers who have lost the tone in the rumps. Their backsides then are made about 30 times larger and you can no longer tell where it started or ended.
So for all of you people out there who are thinking about running for president, if you’ve won homecoming king or queen or prom king or queen.queen, you’ve already got a really good shot at becoming the next person to run the Executive Branch.
Dru Tate is a junior journalism major from Overland, MO. He is the Scout assistant sports editor.
Direct questions, comments and other responses to dtate@bradley.edu.
