It’s a rare, but wonderful thing to really connect with a character in a movie.
But no matter how well-developed that character is, there will always be unanswered questions.
For my friends and I (mostly because we are immature and not deep) one of those questions is: How would this guy match up in a fight?
For that reason, I have broken down a number of our long-debated dream battles with the hope of easing any mental anguish this question has been causing you, as well.
William Wallace of “Braveheart” vs. Maximus Decimus Meridius of “Gladiator”
This is the fight that started it all.
The ultimate heavyweight bout between two of the most respected combatants in history. Wallace, of “Braveheart,” united the people of Scotland after losing his father and brother under the rule of the villainous “Longshanks,” and Maximus won the hearts of the Roman Empire while fighting to the death in the Colosseum as an enslaved Gladiator.
Since both of these fighters have identical heart and likeability, I think to determine the outcome of this fight we have to look at the other characters Mel Gibson and Russell Crowe have played.
This is no contest, however, because there is not a character out there that can compete with having “The Patriot” and “Lethal Weapon” on a resume.
WINNER: William Wallace
Any Nicolas Cage character vs. any John Travolta character
Upon further discussion, we realized that this already happened in the 1997 film “Face/Off.”
WINNER: Anyone who has avoided seeing the movie “Face/Off.”
Captain Jack Sparrow vs. Captain Hook (“Hook” version)
While Sparrow appears to be the younger fighter in this contest, that is not the only factor at play here.
Captain Hook, being the older of the two pirates, has clearly spent more time interacting with other swashbucklers, which have to be some of the best people around to teach someone how to fight.
But, with that being said, I still can’t see Sparrow losing this one. His sword fight and escape at the beginning of the first “Pirates of the Caribbean” leads me to believe this would be no more than the day that Captain Hook will remember as the day he ALMOST beat Captain Jack Sparrow.
WINNER: Jack Sparrow
Maverick vs. Iceman
I’m still not sure who would win this fight, but I think we can assume two things: 1) It would be incredibly manly and 2) it would probably end with some sort of volleyball game.
WINNER: Whoever gets to put together the soundtrack for that fight
Lord Voldemort vs. Sauron
I may be slightly biased in picking a winner for this battle.
I only made it to the third Harry Potter book, while I once watched the entire “Lord of the Rings” trilogy in one day, so I’m far more familiar with Sauron’s fighting techniques.
Both characters have had similar defeats in their careers, with Sauron ultimately meeting his end at the hands of the hobbits Frodo and Sam and “He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named” failing to knock off an infant.
While both villains make an extremely evil case, I have to go with Sauron here. When Voldemort finally appears, he looks like Kif from “Futurama,” while Sauron maintains the ominous “all-seeing eye” look, which is much more intimidating.
Brad Pitt in “Fight Club” vs. Brad Pitt in “Snatch”
OK, we of course have to begin by throwing out the fact that Brad Pitt in “Fight Club” is imaginary.
Once that bit of housekeeping is in order, I think this would be a great fight.
“Fight Club” Brad is the essence of coolness and confidence, while “Snatch” Brad is a scrappy gypsy that is able to knock out guys twice his size.
While Mickey O’Neil from “Snatch” appears untouchable, I think that Tyler Durden of “Fight Club” proves to have the insanity it would take to win this slugfest in the scene where he beats himself mercilessly just to keep Fight Club open.
WINNER: Brad Pitt in “Fight Club”
Sloth from “The Goonies” vs. Chewbacca the Wookie
Unfortunately, I don’t think this fight could ever happen because there is no way that Sloth survived more than a few years after moving in with Chunk at the end of the movie. Living on a steady diet of Domino’s and Baby Ruth’s, it was only a matter of time before he succumbed to some sort of heart disease.
Beyond that, Chewbacca is a man of few words, which usually makes for a good fighter.
WINNER: Chewbacca the Wookie
Britney Spears in “Crossroads” vs. Kelly Clarkson in “From Justin to Kelly”
While I haven’t actually seen either of these movies, clearly this fight needed to be on the list.
Hopefully one of you can e-mail me with a prediction of this outcome because I’m extremely curious to see how it would play out.
Other brawls that are too close to call, which I would enjoy hearing feedback on include: Rocky vs. Rambo, Fivel vs. the Rescuers Down Under, Gollum vs. anyone, Bruce Willis in “Armageddon” vs. Bruce Willis in “Die Hard” and Neo from “The Matrix” vs. Blade.
I appreciate your help in this matter.
D.J. Piehowski is a junior journalism major from Genoa. He is the Scout assistant sports editor.
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