If you care about things that truly matter in this world, such as New York Yankees football, buying the 84th season of “House” on DVD or Halloween costumes involving the word “sexy” followed by various occupations, this column may not necessarily be your cup of Darjeeling.
Though I’ve tried to branch out in my writing, the research skills instilled by my elementary school teachers have been waning over this past decade. (Some of those teachers were nuns, even. You’d think I would have listened at least a little bit. All apologies, Sister Rosemary.)
For this column, it was time to conduct some real research. Try harder. If I can’t do research on an important topic now, how will I ever be productive in the real world?
That being said, I’ve done my due diligence for this column. Steps have been taken to ensure that this right here is an informative, newsworthy piece of writing for you, the reader, who is clearly tired of reading stupid crap about crap. You’re ready for some hard-hitting facts.
So yours truly conducted some real literary research by consulting two very worthy sources – the Internet and the Rolling Stone Encyclopedia of Rock & Roll.
Here is a short list of bands and how they got their names. These facts might impress your friends. Unless they read this column too, and in that case, just change the subject and tell them you were the Balloon Kid.
Beastie Boys- B.E.A.S.T.I.E.= Boys Entering Anarchistic Stages Towards Internal Excellence.
Snoop Dogg- Real name: Calvin Broadus. Snoop was a nickname given to him by his mom, who said he reminded her of the cartoon dog Snoopy.
Jimmy Page was hanging out with The Who’s Keith Moon and John Entwistle, who were complaining about bandmates Roger Daltrey and Pete Townshend. Moon and Entwistle joked about starting a band with Page, and Moon mentioned that the project would “go over like a lead zeppelin.” Page formed his own band and decided to drop the “a” so Americans wouldn’t mispronounce it.
Gin Blossoms- Slang for the burst blood capillaries seen on the nose after drinking too much alcohol. Yes, that includes gin and all gin-related beverages.
Weezer- Rivers Cuomo had the nickname “Weezer” in high school because of his breathing problem.
Anberlin- band member Stephen Christian claims that he heard the word “anberlin” in the background of the song “Everything In Its Right Place” by Radiohead.
311- This is the police code for indecent exposure in Omaha, Neb., their hometown. It is also rumored that high school classes let out by 3:10 p.m., and they were high by 3:11.
Backstreet Boys- Named after the Backstreet Flea Market in Orlando.
UB40- Unemployment Benefit, Form 40. This calls for some more of that red, red wine.
Lynyrd Skynyrd- The band members are alumni of Robert E. Lee High School in Jacksonville, Fla. where gym teacher Leonard Skinner strictly enforced the school’s policy against boys having long hair.
AC/DC- As seen on a vacuum cleaner. (Hence, why they “suck.” Hey-o.)
Green Day- A “green day” refers to a day entirely devoted to smoking pot. A more fitting alternative to the band’s original name, “Sweet Children.”
Pink Floyd- Originally the Pink Floyd Sound, the band was named by Syd Barrett after blues musicians Pink Anderson and Floyd Council.
LFO- Stands for Lyte Funky Ones. Well obviously they’re lyte AND funky. “Fell deep in love, but now we ain’t speakin’/ Michael J. Fox was Alex P. Keaton.” Well said, Rich. I wish I was a girl from Abercrombie and Fitch.
Justine Harris is a public relations major from Normal. She is the Voice editor.
Direct questions, comments and other responses to firstname.lastname@example.org.