Over time, the mullet has been dragged through the dirt. People have called it white trash and belittled its existence ever since Billy Ray Cyrus so majestically danced his way into the social lexicon with his classic “Achy Breaky Heart.”
I’m here to tell you that the mullet is cool. So cool in fact, it takes a special breed of man to wear it.
This haircut is not for the faint of heart. Only a true champion of testosterone can rock the manliest of hair-dos.
And there’s no place quite like the realm of sports to show off that you can pull it off.
In this list, the five best mullets ever in sports will be put on display.
Some were deemed unworthy like Andre Agassi’s impostor or Dennis Eckersly’s ‘stache because it overpowered the mullet.
These five men have rocked the mullet for all of the world to see. They have proven to not only be champions on the playing field, but heroes to men around the world. And for this we raise our Keystones to the sky, rock out to AC/DC and salute you all.
5. John Kruk
Before he became one of ESPN’s most underrated analysts, Krukie was the overweight cog on some very good Philadelphia Phillies teams. Kruk is most famous for his antics during the 1993 All-Star Game in which he took a fastball inside from Randy Johnson and nearly had a coronary. Only a true man could scare this monster. We’ll probably see more from Mr. Johnson later.
Over the years, Krukie has been a staple in both Taco Bell drive-thrus and in mullet countdowns. And deservedly so, he’s done the hair and all males a service throughout the years.
4. Barry Melrose
If there’s any sport that has embraced the mullet, it’s hockey (see Jagr, Jaromir and Lemieux, Mario.) Just like Kruk, Melrose is one of the better parts of ESPN but Kruk has since shaved his trademark mullet. And while he won’t heed the calls to bring it back from passionate fans like me, Melrose to this day continues to slick his locks back and impart his hockey wisdoms like a mulleted Dumbledore.
Keep on, keeping on, Mr. Melrose. Enjoy your Labatt Blue.
3. Lucas O’Rear
This list needed a little Valley flair, so the Missouri Valley Conference’s resident country bumpkin finds his way to number three.
Combined with a thick, red chinstrap, O’Rear and his mullet look more like he should be in Hell’s Angels than on a Div. I men’s basketball or baseball team.
As the sixth man on last year’s miracle Sweet Sixteen team, O’Rear played an integral part in that run, and although he may not be the most gifted athlete, much like the previous members of the list, O’Rear is a hard-nosed, tough guy that every team, no matter the sport, needs. That rugged mentality is exactly what puts him on this list.
So drink your Busch Light up and rev that Harley engine (not at the same time please,) you’ve earned it.
2. Randy Johnson
The most impressive mullet on the list belongs to number two. At 6-foot-10-inches, Johnson is one of the most feared athletes ever. His erratic control and his 98-mile-per-hour fastball struck fear in even the most-manly of men. Two mulleted superheroes, Kruk and Larry Walker, even buckled in the knees at him.
The five time Cy Young award winner is the best power pitcher in baseball history not named Lynn Nolan Ryan. And it’s exactly that power that lands him on this list.
So next time you hear a thump in your garage in the middle of winter, pray someone skidded into it with their car. Because if it was a Randy Johnson snowball, you’re going to need some serious praying.
1. Patrick Kane
Call it homerism (It is), but a true mullet supported throws caution to the wind. And nobody does it better than Mr. Patrick Kane.
Not many people would get so irritated over 20 cents that they would assault another human being. Not many people would get hammered drunk before a championship parade in front of three million people. But Kaner would. He and his mullet ended 49 years of depression amongst hockey fans in Chicago with a simple overtime five hole.
He represents everything the mullet does. He’s a badass. He’s clutch. But most importantly, he’s a man. He put a franchise ranked the worst in sports on his back and carried them to victory in three short years. For that Mr. Kane, shotgun an Old Style and kiss the Cup once for me.
Mullets have been abused throughout the style community and that needs to change. Accept them for what they are, man’s gift to God.
Bill Hopkins is a junior sports communication major from Oswego. He is the Scout sports editor.
Direct questions, comments and other responses to whopkins@mail.bradley.edu.
