Abby Lee’s ultimate trainwreck

I have watched a lot of really bad TV. The amount is actually embarrassing. But nothing has compared to what I stumbled upon the other night.

Nothing could have prepared me for the horror that was “Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition,” a spin off of the show that made Abby Lee Miller infamous, “Dance Moms.”

I actually like “Dance Moms,” and by that I mean it’s actually a guilty addiction of mine. The moms are as funny as they are crazy, and having danced when I was a kid, I can appreciate how hard the girls work and how talented they are. I can also relate to the giant bucket of crazy that is a typical dance competition. This is what I’ve heard from other fans of the show as well.

So one would assume more Abby Lee is a good thing. She produces winners from her studio so a dance competition show would be a fit.

It is not. It is absolutely nowhere near as entertaining as “Dance Moms” and it is, in fact, really disturbing. The show is basically “So You Think You Can Dance” with young dancers and a spotlight on their crazy mothers.  They are judged by Abby Lee, of course, Robin Antin (of the Pussy Cat Dolls) and “Haus of Gaga” choreographer Richy Jackson. The kids are competing for a full scholarship to the Joeffrey Ballet School and a $100,000 cash prize. And of course, 15 minutes of fame for their stage moms.

I have a lot of problems with this show, but among them is Robin Antin. In the first episode, she waltzes out on stage and announces that she sees some future Pussycat Dolls in the competitors. Everyone is ecstatic. I am disturbed. Look at the Pussycat Dolls. Then look back at the children (the oldest competitor is 13, the youngest is 6) and you will see some of the future strippers of America. Like I said, creepy. Antin keeps hammering down that she’s not really looking for technique, she wants to see the girls put ‘sass’ in every performance. Upon first viewing, it really sounds like she is saying sex, and considering the ‘dance’ she is teaching them (basically a lot of posing and a step above grinding on a pole) while thrusting her hips around, it was pretty creepy.

In fact, creepy is the best way to describe this show. It is super low budget, and it shows. The whole ‘mama drama’ theme is not only forced but probably reason to call child services.

So if you want to really get ready for Halloween and get terrified for the future of the human race, then “Abby’s Ultimate Dance Competition” is the show for you. Otherwise, stay far away, even if you’re a reality TV junkie. Far, far away.