Cardboard cups banned from campus (please note that this article is satirical)

In the eyes of the Bradley University Police Department, any cup can carry alcoholic beverages.

In response to an increase number of students transporting alcohol across campus, the use of cardboard cups has been banned at all on-campus dining areas.

BUPD Chief of Police Brian Joschko said after a new Interfraternity Council BYOB alcohol policy at all fraternity parties went into effect, officers expected to see more backpacks and bags carried on campus during weekend and evening hours. However Joschko said it was actually the opposite.

“My guys were all ready and prepared to handle underage students carrying alcohol to fraternity parties,” he said. “But this was something different.”

In fact, Joschko said officers rarely saw students carrying large bags of beer or alcohol, which threw everyone for a loop.

“At this point we knew students were still boozin’,” he said. “After stopping and questioning a few students on Friday night we figured it out. Students are mixing drinks in soft drink cups available on campus to carry to parties which is wrong.”

Sophomore marketing major Stacy Hall said since the new IFC policy, “everyone has been doing it.”

“I’m not 21 so I couldn’t carry alcohol on campus,” she said. “But a few girls in Williams told me about mixing drinks in Center Court cups. The last time I did it a cop drove right past me and I was able to take my drink to a party. Now everyone is doing it.”

As a measure to prevent students from drinking alcohol from cups available on campus, Director of Dining Services Matt Wilton said beginning Monday, new cups will be available at all dining locations. The new cups will be clear and will disintegrate if they come in contact with alcohol.  Bradley’s inventory of cardboard disposable cups on campus will be donated to local charities.

“Are they trying to poison us?” said junior hospitality major Kyle Harmber. “I don’t even care, they can’t stop us from drinking.”

Joskcho said he knows the change won’t be able to stop students from drinking, but they decided to take action after University President Joanne Glasser proclaimed that students cannot drink on her dime.

“Sure students can put alcohol in any kind of reusable cup they want,” Joshkco said. “But we cannot tolerate students using cups from campus to provide them with an alcoholic beverage.”

Since the decision that on-campus cardboard cups will be replaced, students have voiced their feelings of disapproval via social media sites. There have been many tweets expressing outrage and two protest Facebook groups have been formed.

“I know they are trying to make Bradley a dry campus,” said senior secondary education major Kara Walking. “But no one is going to want to come to a dry campus, so they can’t do that. We’re going to fight this, they can’t take away our rights.”