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Hey baby, what’s your new sign?

From the time we were born, we have never been anything more than moderate to fair decision makers. Some of us turn to mentors for answers to life’s tough questions. Some trust the infallible assistance of Dr. Phil to guide them along destiny’s twisted path. And some still look to the sky, where, when all the planets are in line, you are truly at peace with yourself.

However, we must all be prepared for the day when we find our once glorified source has 12 drug convictions and punches small children in the face for a good time.

This is what happened to the all-powerful zodiac signs. For those who haven’t had this rug pulled out from under them yet, let me enlighten you.

Essentially, due to a gravitational shift in the planet’s orientation, the constellation you were born under, may now be running about a month behind schedule. Thus, someone who was once a Taurus, with a characteristically stubborn, fiery persona, may now find themselves as the leaders of the pack  as an Aries.

This shift has caused a bit of an uproar in the astrological community as well as almost every individual who has picked up a newspaper to pour over the day’s horoscopes in the hopes of some well-wishing to strike rich.

But recently, some reports have suggested you could be reading the wrong sign.

According to some research, there is actually a 13th sign – Ophiuchus. This one is the elusive snake – seeker of wisdom and knowledge. But before you go out and start re-working your pick-up lines, you need to do your research.

Faithful astrological followers have refused to believe that their zodiac sign, which has partially defined their entire lives, might not be entirely accurate. According to most professionals in this field, your sign is safe with the stars. Without getting uber-technical, there are two basic branches governing the astrological world. The one the Western world utilizes is based on the seasons, not the constellations, keeping things the same.

The interesting thing about this story is its familiarity. In actuality, an Earth-shattering story about alterations in the stars seems to come out every several years. But for some reason, this time it has garnered incredibly widespread attention.

This could be due to the fact that social media has played such a large role in promoting awareness about nearly everything. A previously seemingly uninteresting fact about the solar system now makes national news, becoming the talk of blogs, websites and radio stations for several months.

But remember that whether your zodiac sign dictates you to be a fish, virgin or bull, nothing really changes or defines you except you. So for those lost in a sea of doubt about what to say the next time they are in a bar and someone asks, “Hey baby, what’s your sign?,” I guess what I’m saying is you must embrace your virginity and take the bull by the horns – but maybe not while in a bar.