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How to lose a date in 10 minutes: Bad Valentine’s Day ideas

Valentine’s Day is all about the love, a time to reminisce about all those over-the-top, lovey-dovey, super romantic moments. But that’s not enjoyable for anyone; if you experience those moments, reliving isn’t necessary, and if you don’t, then it’s just depressing. Instead, we want to have a little fun and look at some bad Valentine’s ideas (apologies if any of this is your life story).

Coupons
Let’s be honest, those homemade coupons you made for your mom on Mother’s Day simply don’t cut it for Valentine’s Day. Even if you plan to use one of these coupons to receive or give certain sexual favors or cook a meal, don’t waste the paper. Spontaneity is way more attractive than a doodle and ripped up piece of paper.

Dropping Hints
Ideally, Valentine’s Day is the most romantic day of the year, and isn’t love all about accepting your partner for who they are? While that fact is debatable, and definitely not a question to ask us, using the day to buy a gym membership or clothes they’d never wear (but you love) comes off as offensive, not romantic.

First Date
As Liz Lemon (Tina Fey) and Dr. Drew (Jon Hamm) showed on “30 Rock,” Valentine’s Day is not the time for a first date. Sure, they had additional circumstances, like the door flying open while going to the bathroom, hospital bedside confessions and a child from a previous marriage, all interfering, but if Jon Hamm can’t make something work, the rest of us don’t stand a chance.

Cheap Literary Thrills – Personalized
For those men under the impression that women lock themselves in closets with aromatic oils and feathers every time a cheap romance novel comes out are perhaps living a fantasy of their own. Most women who have a firm grasp on reality are not impressed by Tiffany’s firm grasp on John in “Date Me Baby: One More Time.” And God forbid the idea of any of us wanting to be Tiffany. So the idea of personalizing a story line to fit your relationship not only adds to the creepiness, but makes you look plain pathetic. Those who are frisky do, those who are not invent fake realities.

Sex Gifts
Fuzzy handcuffs, feather ticklers and entry-level bondage kits are fair game only if your significant other has already given the go-ahead on that type of relationship. (Fishnet stockings, thong underwear or stating the acceptance of a lesbian friend is not a go-ahead.) Valentine’s Day is an awful time to decide to get experimental in your relationship, especially if it involves crotch-less underwear or T-shirts for two. These items are just destined to collect dust in a drawer to avoid the embarrassment of taking them to Goodwill.  

Apology Gifts
If you screwed up, the only way you should be compensating on Valentine’s Day is by giving double the love. Two dozen roses, two boxes of chocolates, two male massage therapists … you get the idea. But a gift that expressly states “I’m Sorry” on a novelty teddy bear will just serve as a constant reminder of your idiocy.

Funny Gifts
Valentine’s Day has a way of turning men into frightened, impractical dolts and even the most hard-hearted women into Disney Princess wannabes. Some men feel that their lover is too practical for romance, and opt for giving a gift inspired by wit and hilarity. And this is perfect – if your goal is to sabotage the relationship. Save funny gifts for a time when laughter is appropriate – like a drunken St. Paddy’s or Toasted Marshmallow Day.

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