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Police Reports (please note, this is a satirical article)

•Officers were dispatched at 3 p.m. on Tuesday to the Bradley Bookstore in response to a strike started by several students. A large group of students had gathered outside the bookstore and were blockading the store from other customers.

The students claimed the bookstore was scamming them out of decent prices for their school books and that the bookstore represented the 1% on campus. Police were baffled by this Occupy Bradley Bookstore movement, and executed every possible option to get the students to end the movement. When all other options failed, police successfully lured the students away with the promise of scholarships and free pizza.


•Bradley police were involved in a car chase occurring over spring break. Officers were dispatched to the at 8 p.m. on March 22 to the 1000 block of West Main St. where they witnessed the Cambulance and the Hilltop Cruiser engaged in a drag race.

The two vehicles were exceeding velocities of more than 80 m.p.h. as they sped toward Bradley’s campus. The police tried to force the two vehicles to a stop, but were unable to prevent the Cambulance from careening out of control and crashing into One World Café in a fiery explosion.

Police are still investigating what possessed the two vehicles to begin the race. Three underage students were injured in the crash.


•Jesse Koch was arrested at 9 p.m. on Sunday on the 1500 block of Fredonia Ave. for public intoxication. He was seen stumbling away from one of the fraternity houses, clutching a half empty beer bottle in one hand and a beer bong in the other.

He was reportedly dressed in nothing but a Braves jersey and had “YOLOSWAG” written on his forehead in permanent marker.

When police asked him to submit to a breathalyzer test, he threw the bottle and took off screaming down Fredonia, shouting how he’ll never let “The Man” take him alive. He tired himself out halfway down Fredonia and was detained by the police.

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