The Sprout: Where there is smoke, there are problems*

Last Friday night junior civil engineer major Michael Klein met a girl at a bar. After a cab ride home, he said it was clear he was going to get lucky that night. Although only a few minutes into sex, things became hotter than he anticipated.

“It was fun until I thought my penis was on fire,” he said. “I seriously thought God was punishing me for bringing the drunk girl home.”

Klein said he had to stop shortly after a “burning” feeling began and smoke began to surface, even though his sexual partner felt nothing at all.

“I wasn’t sure but I thought it might be the condom so I changed it, ” he said. “But once we got started again, the feeling and the smoke only got worse. She was mad when I stopped, but I just couldn’t do it. I’ve had a rash all week because of it.“

Klein isn’t the only student experiencing an uncomfortable sexual sensation while having sex. Hundreds of other male students have had similar complaints.

“We have had several complaints that discomfort and smoke has occurred while using condoms provided by the university,” said Coordinator of the Alcohol Education and Awareness Program at the Wellness Center Lyndsey Hawkins. “The rash can really happen from anything, but the smoke, well there must be some kinky college sex going on. I’m surprised we haven’t heard about squeaking beds in Heitz. We don’t know what to do. Normally we just have creepy kids tell us the condoms are too small.”

Hawkins said the distribution program has remained consistent, including the brand and type of condoms provided. Because of this, they are not sure what is causing the problem she said.

“We’ve have had every member of HEAT [Help Empower and Teach] in the Wellness center for three days,” she said. “We are ripping open every single condom until we get to the bottom of this. It’s been crazy down here. We were even thinking about having the HEAT executive board sample the condoms in the office so we can record reactions.”

The Health Center has been also been experiencing a frenzy of their own. Male students have been rushing into the center for examination of a rash that appeared on their penis after having sex with condoms provided by the university.

“Sex is a messy business,” said the Margaret Jones. “People who get too rough can experience a similar rash as a result of lack of lubrication. But this rash is the most disgusting rash I have seen in a long time. It looks like three different STI’s are in one spot. Ruh-roh.”

Jones said not only is this rash something they have never witnessed, but more than 300 male students on campus have been affected by it.

“I’ve never seen the health center so busy,” she said. “We are pre-booked nearly two weeks out in advance, and I had to call in extra physicians from the Pediatric Hospital. In the mean time, we have been handing out free samples of petroleum jelly to students outside of Bradley Hall. We are doing what we can to relieve their discomfort.”

Currently all condoms have been removed from dorms and distribution locations. Students are strongly encouraged to either dispose of unused condoms or return them to the Wellness Center. Health center employees and Peoria officials are still investigating the epidemic, Hawkins said.

*The Sprout is the Scout’s April Fool’s day edition. The stories and quotes are made up, and most of the photos are doctored and/or fake.