Note: This article is a part of the April Fool’s Day edition, The Scoop, and is not meant to be taken seriously.
- On Wednesday, March 25, at around 5 a.m., BUPD responded to reports of attempted intruders at several buildings along frat row. The alleged suspects appeared at several doors on the street, asking to be let in to use the bathroom. When refused, the suspects reportedly hissed, bared their fangs and turned into bats before flying away. The intruders have not been seen since the sun came up, although BUPD warns students to stay inside at night to avoid potential encounters.
- A man was found cartwheeling without regard for bystanders in the St. James parking lot at around 3 a.m. on March 22. Once found and apprehended, the suspect went on a spiel about how healthy cartwheeling is. Despite the commotion, no one was harmed.
- On March 26 at 4:32 p.m., BUPD received a call from an employee preparing dinner in Williams Dining Hall, who exclaimed, “the cheese! They’re stealing all the cheese!” Before the responding officer could ask for an explanation, the employee ended the call. BUPD arrived on scene approximately 12 minutes later and found pots, pans and other kitchen utensils strewn about the floor. A soft squeaking noise led the officers to an overturned pot in the corner, beneath which they found three mice – their cheeks stuffed with cheese. The mice were taken off campus and released in a field. No cheese theft has been reported since.
- On March 23, BUPD was dispatched to SliceHub at 12:30 a.m. after receiving a call regarding a dispute between two students outside the restaurant. Upon arrival, officers found two students dressed as cowboys, engaged in a duel, while an employee hid behind the counter. Officers managed to break up the scuffle, despite protests from the students. After the matter was over, officers took both students into custody and questioned them. One student claimed this was “the most manly way to settle a dispute in this day and age.” Both students have been released, as officers found the guns they had were not real, but they were advised to refrain from dueling in public from now on.
