Note: This article is a part of the April Fools’ Day edition, The Scoop, and is not meant to be taken seriously.
Since the emergence of the cicada “Double Brood,” life at Bradley University has been a little different.
Throughout the spring, the insects fed on fluids found in roots, woody shrubs and trees. In the process, they’ve wiped out farmers’ fields, entire forests and grandma’s vegetable garden.
This lack of vegetation has caused severe pollution in industry-heavy towns like Peoria. Smog has descended upon the Hilltop, which is incredibly dangerous to students, faculty and animals on campus.
The miles of browned grass and barren trees are less than inspiring. The sunlight tries to poke through the orange clouds everyday, but only casts a strange glow over Olin Quad.
Despite the post-apocalyptic scenery, the university announced earlier this week that students are expected to finish their classes this semester or risk negative impacts on their grades.
Student Health Services released a statement about the poor air quality, explaining symptoms to look out for, preventative measures and when to seek medical treatment.
“Itchy eyes or a new cough are signs of air pollution poisoning,” medical school dropout Anna Banana said. “If you have a pre-existing breathing or lung problem, it is important to avoid exposure as much as possible and check that symptoms aren’t progressing adversely.”
If you develop a breathing issue or one gets worse, seek attention immediately.
“Overall, the most important measure to take is to wear an appropriately graded mask,” Fender added.
Student “Damage Control” Services have been defunct in responding to the crisis, keeping the public confused and misinformed. Normally, you would expect assistance, but they aren’t providing it. In lieu of government aid, private manufacturers are temporarily selling industrial smog masks at a steep price.
The best you can do is wear your masks and reduce time outside as much as possible.
This article will be updated as more information becomes available.
UPDATE:
Following The Scoop’s previous reporting, the destruction of the Midwest turned out to be a larger ploy by the two cicada broods.
Within the last 48 hours, communication and support from student services had completely ceased. Until now. As it turns out, the Bradley administration has been completely delegating ruling power to the cicadas.
During an official broadcast, University President Noah Dia announced that he would be resigning and C. Montag of Brood XIX would gain control of campus.
Montag then came on the mic with four requirements to cease the destruction of the Midwest.
First, to restore the ecology of our state, all agriculture and manufacturing industries must shift to the production of sap to allow for the cicada population to sustain generations without the need for hibernation.
Second, the cicadas that walk among us are to be treated as first class citizens. Any student who squishes the insects will be found and thrown in jail. Those who respect and treat the new overlords kindly will be rewarded with extra meal swipes and noise canceling headphones.
Similarly, anyone who goes against the decisions of Montag and his faculty will be held indefinitely at Markin Recreational Prison. No further comments about this were made.
Montag’s final request was that all events featuring excessive noise cease at dusk. That means no frat parties, concerts and, certainly, no movies with ACBU on the quad.
These demands have the Braves in a tight squeeze. The halt and shift of their industries puts businesses into immediate remodeling which costs money, time and resources.
In the meantime, it is unsure whether humans will continue to receive a paycheck from such jobs, potentially causing basic necessities to be in high demand and low supply.
Until you see the effects of the new legislation, try to ration water and food as hordes of humans buy out the P.O.D. Market and raid the dining halls. Most importantly, be welcoming to new cicadas you meet in an attempt to win us over.
Hopefully adjusting to the new leadership will be easy and will allow students and faculty to coexist with the cicadas in peace. Otherwise, it would appear humans will not be on the winning side of history for once. Even if we fail to take over and gain control of Bradley this time, it will all just happen again in 13 years. Good luck.
