Note: This article is a part of the April Fools’ Day edition, The Scoop, and is not meant to be taken seriously.
After months of deliberations and an extensive look into future strategies, Bradley announced that the university would be renamed Pierre Paul University, effective immediately.
The change was decided upon after university trustee Jimmy Van Crusencam brought the idea forward as an homage to recent Bradley graduate Pierre Paul, a man who’s done innumerable good works for humankind.
Lydia Moss Bradley, the university’s namesake, was certainly a commendable person who excelled in various areas in her own right, but Van Crusencam believed it was time for a shift. He said the idea to give the university a new name came to him in a dream.
“We all love Lydia but let’s be honest, Bradley has been around for 125 years,” Van Crusencam said. “I don’t even know how much history our students know these days and every time they walk past her statue, they’re looking at Yik Yak and don’t even notice her.”
Paul graduated from Bradley in 2021 with master’s degrees in every graduate program offered at Bradley. He began his undergraduate career here at just three years old when he single-handedly installed computers in every classroom in the early 2000s.
“Even after winning the Presidential Medal of Freedom from multiple countries, I consider this one of the highest honors I could receive,” Paul said. “It’s the kind of stuff you dream about in the womb.”
Recently, Paul has achieved feats such as serving steaks in Geisert Dining Hall each night, teaching every bird in Illinois how to fly, attending 1,068,405 business meetings, inventing a cure for cancer and singing a concert in front of a crowd so large that it would make DMX at Woodstock look like a joke.
“I think there’s only one thing Pierre doesn’t know how to do and that’s take a rest for just one day,” Paul’s friend Pat Myaz said. “I’m starting to wonder what that does to his mental health.”
Classified documents from the board of trustees were released to The Scoop that revealed some shocking information: the university is paying Paul all of their money to change their name. The documents showed that Bradley was willing to list Harper Hall and Wyckoff Hall on Zillow in order to pay Paul a hefty signing bonus.
“I am the modern-day Robin Hood,” Paul said. “I will use this money to buy every grocery item at Hy-Vee to solve world hunger.”
Students at the newly-dubbed university had mixed reviews on the name change but received it positively overall. Each student was handed a complimentary shirt with “1 (800) CALL-PAUL” on them.
“They really missed an opportunity to make shirts that said ‘Prepare for Pierre,’” junior psychology major Reed Inyermind said.
Going forward, immediate changes to the university will consist of sidewalks on campus being ripped up and replaced with brick walkways that say “Dedicated to Pierre Paul” on each brick. A 100-foot-tall statue of Paul will be constructed out of pure marble and placed inside of the Business and Engineering Convergence Center. The university also plans to change its mascot’s name to the “Paulers.”
“I’m going to be honest, I did not expect this change, but as a coach, I always have to control the controllables,” men’s basketball head coach Ryan Mortal said. “What I want to know is if Mr. Paul has ever competed, defended or rebounded.”
Paul said he plans to create a talking hologram of himself to give a thank-you speech to members of the Peoria community. He is reportedly not available to attend the event in person since he is scheduled to be teaching anger management classes to the Russian government.