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Campus squirrel caper: Acorn-clad thief strikes Bradley University

Note: This article is a part of the April Fools’ Day edition, The Scoop, and is not meant to be taken seriously. 

This article was written using AI.

In a bizarre turn of events, Bradley University’s tranquil campus has been rocked by the sudden disappearance of its beloved squirrels, leaving students and faculty scratching their heads and scrambling for answers.

Reports from early this morning revealed that an individual, disguised in a dress crafted entirely from acorns, orchestrated the mass squirrel-napping operation. Eyewitnesses described a surreal scene as the figure, purportedly affiliated with the Office of Administration, whisked away the furry inhabitants of Bradley’s arboreal landscape under the cloak of darkness.

The theft, as perplexing as it is audacious, has sent shockwaves through the university community, with many expressing disbelief and outrage at the brazenness of the act. 

“I can’t fathom why anyone would do such a thing,” Bubbles McFluffy, a Bradley sophomore quantum cosmetology major, said. “The squirrels are such a beloved part of campus life. It’s the only reason why I came here.”

Adding to the intrigue, the suspect left behind a chilling message spray-painted on the steps of Bradley Hall, ominously warning of their next target: the stoic gargoyles that stand sentinel over the historic building. The cryptic message has only deepened the mystery surrounding the perpetrator’s motives and intentions.

Campus authorities have launched a full-scale investigation in collaboration with the FBI, CIA, United Nations and Interpol into the squirrel heist, vowing to apprehend the culprit and restore order to Bradley’s squirrel population. 

“We are taking this matter very seriously,” Chief of Campus Security Bartholomew Wigglesworth III said. “The safety and well-being of our campus community, both human and squirrel alike, are our top priorities.”

In the wake of the incident, students have rallied, organizing search parties and spreading awareness on social media platforms in a bid to locate the missing squirrels and bring them home safely. 

Messages of support and solidarity have poured in from across the university and the surrounding area, demonstrating the deep affection and connection that Bradley’s denizens share with their furry companions.

As the investigation unfolds and the campus reels from the shock of the squirrel caper, one thing remains certain: Bradley University will stop at nothing to unravel the mystery and ensure that justice is served for its cherished woodland inhabitants. 

Until then, the campus waits with bated breath, hopeful for the swift return of its beloved squirrels and the resolution of this peculiar, acorn-clad saga.

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