Note: This article is a part of the April Fools’ Day edition, The Scoop, and is not meant to be taken seriously.
While musicals haven’t impressed audiences in the last couple of years, the squirrels on Bradley’s campus are looking to change this with the announcement of a production heading straight for Broadway: “Squirrels.”
“Squirrels” will be entirely unique and unlike anything fans have seen before. It’s based off of a book of poetry that was allegedly written by Lydia Moss Bradley. The collection of poems, titled “Old Lady’s Book of Practical Squirrels,” involved several squirrels that she had grown fond of and named. Some of these notable creatures include Old Leviticus, Mr. Faustus and Doyle: The Murder Squirrel.
The stage production is going to take these poems and turn them into songs. Fans may be wondering, “How will a series of disconnected poems translate into a full-fledged plot and tracklist?” Producers are going to have all the squirrels compete to see who can realistically portray the desire to risk their lives.
The musical will follow a group of squirrels attending the yearly Rodicle Ball where one of them will get the chance to ascend to the Nuttyside Layer for reincarnation. In attempts to vie for the position, all the squirrels will present their abilities by performing massively egotistical musical numbers until one of them gets chosen.
“Squirrels” director Nutdrew Nut Nutter was asked in a later-translated interview with The Scoop how he came up with such a brilliant idea.
“You see, the squirrels on Bradley’s campus just constantly want to die, like we’re just constantly thinking about death,” Nutter said. “We’re actually pretty depressed. So, I wanted to communicate this struggle to the world. I want the audience to cheer for the squirrels’ deaths as they ascend to the Nuttyside Layer. I came up with that name myself. I know. I’m a genius.”
The interviewer was about to ask about the rumor that “Squirrels” is incredibly similar to the colossal failure that was the film adaptation of “Cats,” but a dog cut the interview short by chasing Nutter until he ran up a tree. Most of what he yelled during the chase can’t be repeated here. In a nutshell, he swore vengeance on all dogs and said that if Doyle was still alive then dogs would regret messing with the artistic might of the squirrels.
“Squirrels” starts production on April 1, and we can expect to see them ascend to the Nuttyside in 2024.
