Note: This article is a part of the April Fools’ Day edition, The Scoop, and is not meant to be taken seriously.
With his career and house on the line, Bradley senior golfer Gosh Kirkbacon fired past hecklers, a cardinal and his rival Shooter McGavin at the Gator Green Intercollegiate last weekend. Throughout all the preparation in the weeks leading up to the tournament, his head coach and trainer Geoff LaRoast remained proud of the golfer’s performance.
“He did an excellent job,” LaRoast said. “Never in my life have I seen such poise on the green. He even got me my left index finger back from that darn bird. Now that’s a leader.”
Battling to keep his house after Hilltop Shacks and the NCAA discovered an unsigned tenant – Kirkbacon’s grandmother – living with the veteran leader, the former hockey-player-turned-golfer was pushed against the wall for his golf eligibility and his grandmother’s residence.
Lucky for him, an unlikely rival was there to offer a helping hand.
“Yeah, I bet him,” longtime golf professional Shooter McGavin said. “Guy was frankly out of my [redacted] weight class. I eat pieces of [redacted] like him for breakfast.”
After clarifying that he does not eat actual pieces of [redacted] for breakfast, McGavin’s grand scheme came together when the pro talked with the NCAA. The duo then finalized in writing that whoever placed first at the Gator Green Intercollegiate would get the house and the loser’s current golfing status would be denied.
In the weeks leading up to the tournament, Kirkbacon knew that he’d face immense pressure. To overcome it, he took a road less traveled.
“That pitching machine has been there for me in my toughest times,” Kirkbacon said. “I figured, if I could handle a fastball to the chest, I’d be able to handle anything McGavin threw at me.”
After taking several heaters to the chest, Kirkbacon noticed LaRoast watching him from afar.
LaRoast, a former golfer himself, had to retire from the sport after a gruesome tournament at Illinois State where Reggie Redbird bit off his left index finger. He now devotes his life to training young golfers and Kirkbacon is his latest protégé.
“The way he stood in that box and took pitch after pitch to the chest, I knew I was working with a maniac,” LaRoast said. “But I saw something no one else did: a kid that loved competition and loved doing things his own way.”
After some mini-golf practice sessions – including one where Kirkbacon used his club to knock the red rubber nose off of a clown structure – the veteran was able to settle down and get set for the big showdown.
Not resting on his laurels, McGavin was busy setting up a variety of uncongenial obstacles for Kirkbacon to navigate through.
“Gosh, [Kirkbacon] won’t know what hit him,” McGavin said before the event. “That punk has been dominant but I’m much better than that hockey-swinging fool.”
Once on the course, Kirkbacon quickly realized what McGavin had in store for him and the senior was rattled early.
“There was some guy standing behind me every swing, chip and putt,” Kirkbacon said. “I once heard him yell with emphasis ‘You will not make this putt… you [redacted]!’”
To make matters worse, an Illinois State polo-clad McGavin shot great to start and took an early lead on Kirkbacon who was still juggling the heckler.
All tied up with one hole left, Kirkbacon shook off the obstacles in his way to even the score. Just needing to finish a simple putt to win, Kirkbacon was suddenly hit by a Volkswagen that had driven onto the course. It was the heckler back doing his last bit of bidding for McGavin.
Most would have been unable to continue, but Kirkbacon’s sense of urgency pushed him past the mere obstacle.
“My doctor was right by my side there, he told me to stay off my feet for a few days, but what does he know? He’s just a doctor,” Kirkbacon insisted.
Heroically limping over to make the winning putt despite a cell tower on the green directly in front of the hole, Kirkbacon slid the ball into the cup, saving his grandmother’s home and his career.
With the new lease in his hands and eligibility intact, Kirkbacon found his grandmother and returned to their residence to celebrate. As supporters chased McGavin into the parking lot, it seemed that the Bradley’s men’s golf leader had won over not just the campus, but the nation.
His emotions were simple.
“I just feel so…happy.”
