Note: This article is a part of the April Fools’ Day edition, The Scoop, and is not meant to be taken seriously.
In the inaugural Missouri Valley Conference mascot fighting championships, Bradley University’s Kaboom! was victorious against the rest of the league’s costumed crew.
However, his win did not come without controversy.
Kaboom! and UIC’s Sparky D. Dragon met in the final of the competition on Sunday, which was held in front of a sold-out crowd at the Mascot University campus in Gary, Indiana. In a split decision, Kaboom! used his gargoyle strength to wrestle his way to victory.
“It’s such a great feeling to win today,” Kaboom! said. “I always knew I was the best, but it’s good to have a trophy that proves it.”
MVC favorite and No. 1 seed, Sparky, repeatedly tried to roast Kaboom! using his fire-breath. However, the Bradley mascot’s stone skin protected him from the flames.
“I knew he’d try to set me ablaze coming in,” Kaboom! said. “Luckily, I watched a lot of film and trained to prepare myself for that.”
Judges Add A. Tude and Perry the Pylon voted in favor of Kaboom! while guest judge Phillie Phanatic thought Sparky did enough to win. When the fire breathing didn’t work, Sparky tried to attack Kaboom! in the air, but the gargoyle met him above the ring to battle it out.
The two traded punches and kicks, and Kaboom! even put Sparky in a headlock a couple times. That proved enough to eke out the win according to the judges, but Sparky thought the ruling was unjust.
“I got robbed,” Sparky said. “Plain and simple. Never seen the judges rig a competition so blatantly before. They must’ve had money on Kaboom! winning.”
Sparky defeated Indiana State’s Sycamore Sam and Southern Illinois’ Grey Dawg on the way to the final, burning Sam to a crisp with ease, but had trouble keeping up with Grey Dawg’s speed. The fight went to three rounds and ended in Sparky winning by decision, as Grey Dawg couldn’t handle the heat long enough to get in any good hits.
“[Sparky]’s the most overrated mascot in this league,” Grey Dawg said. “He’s carried by his flame. Without that, he’s nothing.”
Kaboom! worked his way through Northern Iowa’s TC and TK and Illinois State’s Reggie Redbird to reach the title fight. Battling two opponents at once was tough in that quarterfinal matchup, but the pair of Panthers were unable to move Kaboom! anywhere in the ring and the fan-favorite moved on to the next round.
Against Reggie, Kaboom! renewed his rivalry with his I-74 foe and took care of business, slamming Reggie into the ground and causing a wing injury that rendered the bird flightless.
“Reggie was light work,” Kaboom! said. “We’ve had great battles over the years, but right now I’m just better.”
Right away, the competition had a shocker, as Drake University’s Spike was held out of his first-round fight by the MVC for disciplinary reasons. Conference representative Ima A. Whole tells The Scoop that Spike was caught biting a mailman’s leg after chasing him all the way into downtown Des Moines on Saturday.
In his place, Drake subbed in their live mascot, Griff II, which led to their win against Evansville when Ace Purple refused to fight a live animal and withdrew from the competition. Reggie Redbird had no problem with it, as he picked Griff II up as soon as their quarterfinal match started and violently threw the bulldog out of the ring.
The other first-round matchups were less eventful. Belmont’s Bruiser the Bruin beat Missouri State’s Boomer the Bear by knockout, using a clear size advantage to defeat his more-peaceful opponent. Sycamore Sam upset Murray State’s Dunker in their fight, as Dunker’s long nose provided an easy punching bag for the foxy Sam.
The other first-round battle was between a couple of duos, as TC and TK took on Valpo’s Beacon and Blaze. There wasn’t much of a fight, though, as Beacon and Blaze could not stop chasing their tails which allowed the two panthers to pounce on their domesticated kin.
Kaboom’s dominant performance gives Bradley bragging rights, and the gargoyle already has plans to come back and defend his crown next year.
“Oh yeah, I’ll be back,” Kaboom! said. “Gotta show these other mascots who still runs this place.”
