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Looking ahead to the premiere of ‘The Bradley Bachelor’

Graphic by Audrey Garcia

Note: This article is a part of the April Fools’ Day edition, The Scoop, and is not meant to be taken seriously.

The producers behind “The Bachelor” have announced that the next season of the show will take place on Bradley University’s campus, with students as the bachelors. 

While men competing for attention from any woman ever is not a new occurrence, “The Bradley Bachelor” will offer one lucky student a chance to meet the love of his life. 

The show’s decision to expand to college campuses follows the precedent set by Barstool Bradley, an affiliate of Barstool Sports. 

To kick off the month of unprotected sacreligious activities, Barstool Bradley revealed it would be premiering its first season of “The Bachelor: Bradley Barstool Edition.” What the company failed to foresee was the wave of lawsuits from “The Bachelor.” In the face of these legal troubles, Barstool Bradley is now facing bankruptcy.

“Dude, they were like totally tripping dawg. You’re telling me we can’t copy your name? What’s next, no underage drinking?” Barstool account manager Joseph Momma said. 

Barstool Bradley began accepting nominations for male students over the age of 18 on Feb. 1. Of the 5,400 students at Bradley, 19 million applied. 

The application featured questions ranging from “How would you describe your ideal girl?” to “Would you rather fight Mike Tyson or a Silverback Gorilla?”

“A gorilla,” sophomore animal studies major Zue Philly Awe said. It was later revealed that Awe was responding to the first question. 

The competition came to a close after junior tax fraud major Brandon Millions received the most votes from Bradley’s student body, making him the lucky candidate for the premiere of “The Bradley Bachelor.” 

Let there be justice for those women. 

Here’s a rundown of the women who will be competing for Millions’ affection. 

The first competitor is a shining-star from some part of Europe, named Bing Anh Thyme. With such a lovely name, surely Millions will want a shot at forever with her. In an interview with The Scoop, Thyme revealed what audiences need to know most about her. 

“Wait, that’s what he looks like?” Thyme said. 

Her thoughtful response displays her excitement to meet Millions during production of the show’s first season. 

The Bachelor’s next choice is a strong young woman hailing from Australia named Margot Robbie. It’s rumored that everyone wants her, but Millions seems unsure. 

“I prefer my women to be at least a little ugly,” Millions said. “I’m not tryna be Jay-Z.” 

In a surprising show of support, Jay-Z responded to Millions on X. 

“Let’s go Brandon,” Jay-Z said. 

The artist appeared to be confused as his follower count fell and MAGA republicans filled his comment section. 

The final frontrunner this season is a bright young woman named Dahlia Elder who appears ready to win it all. 

“I’m going to be the next bachelor,” Elder said. It’s unclear if Elder knows how the show works. 

The university is excited to host “The Bradley Bachelor” while Barstool Bradley is still scrambling to get their lawyers in order. But regardless, Millions looks forward to finding the woman of his dreams. 

“I hope she looks like Martin Lawrence in ‘Big Momma’s House 2,’” Millions said. 

Surely, Bradley University is where she’ll be. 

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The Scout is published by members of the student body of Bradley University. Opinions expressed do not necessarily reflect those of the University.