Warning: The following content may not be suitable for some readers. If this topic makes you uncomfortable, do not proceed.
Are your nudes becoming dull, forgettable? Duck lips and a leg popped just not doin’ it anymore?
Luckily for you, I’ve compiled a list of fresh ideas; so get snapping.
But please… please, no unsolicited pics.
Hugh Hefner Heaven
Slap on a pair of dollar store bunny ears (which will at least be readily available around Easter time) and call it a day. He won’t just pitch a tent; he’ll build a mansion.
Shower Power
What’s sexier than droplets of water continually rolling along your body, while you’re engulfed in clouds of steam? And what’s worse than your phone insurance not covering the consequential water damage?
Working Hard or Hardly Working
Looking to add a bit of blue-collar grit to spice up those nudes? Use the employee bathroom to take your risque photo, work uniform just barely hanging on. Hot for white-collar employees also. You know what they say: nothing’s more attractive than good work ethic.
Furry, Slimey
Pets make everything better, even nudes. But if you don’t want to take your animal’s innocence like this, I get it.
Object-ively Sexy
Tumblr doesn’t allow nipples or naughty parts anymore, and maybe you don’t either. To leave these areas a bit of a secret, hold up any object to cover them. Bonus points if you can make a related pun in your accompanying caption.
Pay to Play
If someone is willing to pay for your nudes, why not get money? You work hard for that body and deserve to be rewarded in bank material for the high-quality spank bank material you produce. They don’t have to know you might’ve done it for them for free; just get paid.
Collarboner
Dem bones, dem bones, dem wet bone. The collarbone is truly underrated as far as sex appeal goes, and we all have one. If you’re too shy to send genitals or other sensitive areas, or are just playing hard to get, this may be your best bet.
GoPro
Phone quality not cutting it? You may want to hire someone with a nice camera and some photography experience. Or I’m sure that creepy long-haired guy with a thrift shop Polaroid would do it for cheap.
Porta-Nudey
A one stall bathroom (preferably with a mirror) anywhere does the job. Your boss’ house? Say you have to go to the bathroom, then take a nude. Gas station? Tinder date’s apartment? Bar? Prison? Grandma’s retirement home? Take a nude.
Celebrity Apprentice
As if we all haven’t seen at least one former Disney star’s junk. And if a celebrity, who poses professionally as a career, thinks that pose and styling works … well, they’re the expert.
Post-Poop
Because sometimes a big poop is the difference between a beer belly and six-pack abs.
Cumming Soon to Theaters Near You
If a simple photo seems too static to elicit the proper response, try a video. Moving picture provides viewers the widest range of angles and body parts.
Ho Ho Hoe
See every holiday as a new opportunity for nudes. The theme is given to you already, so all you have to do is be creative with the specifics of that particular holiday. For example, Christmas poses opportunities for Santa hats, reindeer antlers, mistletoe, string lights … etc. Easter certainly can get that sperm on an egg hunt – hunting grounds are your body and frankly, the eggs shouldn’t be too hard to find. You can turn any body part into a turkey by drawing on the image on your phone. You can make it someone’s lucky day on St. Patty’s Day.
–
Every year, we publish a Valentine’s Day edition of our Voice section in order to bring the spirit of love to campus. We’re excited to bring you a number of articles (some serious, some satirical) dedicated to sex, relationships, the history of Valentine’s Day and more.
Should you plan to celebrate this day of romance with someone, be sure to stay safe and practice healthy sexual habits – and if you’re planning on cuddling up alone or with friends to watch movies and eat discount chocolates, that works perfectly, too. Whatever you decide to do, be sure to have fun.
–
