Note: This article is a part of the April Fools’ Day edition, The Scoop, and is not meant to be taken seriously.
Nearly 4,000 Bradley students withdrew from the university this week, according to a report obtained by The Scoop.
This news follows the announcement of additional academic program cuts that will result in Bradley having just six majors available next year. The remaining offerings include bagpiping, poultry science, leisure studies and floral management, to name a few.
Talk of the program cuts began after financial troubles caused a budget deficit. Instead of reconsidering administrative positions or salaries, it was decided that academics would take the biggest hit.
“We are doing what we have to do to ensure tuition doesn’t increase,” university spokesperson Chip Munk said. “Who needs liberal arts, anyway?”
Students have been moving out of their dorms in droves, throwing their belongings into cars and shouting a range of creative profanities. Shortly after the first wave of Braves departed, #iblamebradley began trending on social media platform X.
Former bicycle design major Barb Dwyer added her thoughts to the lengthy thread.
On top of student dropouts, three-fifths of Bradley faculty members have had their positions terminated so far, with another fifth quitting in solidarity.
“[Forget] this [stupid] job and [forget] this [darn] place,” Ken Dahl, former professor of citrus development, said in a video posted to the campus community app, Fizz. “If they think we’ll just stay after they fire all of our friends, they’ve got another thing coming.”
Five minutes after the video was published, BUPD arrested Dahl in Bradley Hall for ripping posters off the walls and throwing chicken noodle soup on the artwork. He is being charged with destruction of property and disturbing the peace. If convicted, Dahl faces up to 40 years in Markin Recreational Prison.
“The soup? Oh, I got that from those protesters in France. Genius,” Dahl said after posting bail. “My actions send a clear message, and I just hope the administration starts to see how strongly people feel about these program cuts.”
Former Department Chair of Puppet Arts Sue Flay sympathizes with students and says she believes the program cuts reveal the university’s true priorities.
“Let me put it to you like this: it’s about the money. It’s as simple as that,” a distraught Flay said as she packed up her extensive Muppets collection after being fired last week. “I mean, it’s not like students came here to learn or anything, right? As long as the people at the top are happy, nothing else seems to matter.”
By Wednesday afternoon, entire dorm and apartment floors sat empty, and the Hilltop has started to resemble a ghost town. Unsurprisingly, university administration seems unfazed by the widespread negative reactions.
“We aren’t worried about students leaving. Not at all,” Munk said. “They’ll come crawling back by the end of the semester. What are they going to do, transfer to a college where they can have their voices heard, get an affordable education and take all the classes they want with professors they love? Pfft. Yeah, right.”
