Note: This article is a part of the April Fools’ Day edition, The Scoop, and is not meant to be taken seriously.
As temperatures start to rise and a new season officially begins, two things are bound to happen each spring: outdoor sporting events commence and geese migrate back toward the Midwest. But what happens when those two events mix? Just ask those in attendance at Bradley softball’s most recent game.
During the Braves’ matchup against North-South State on Monday, the otherwise typical contest became chaotic when a flock of geese landed beyond the outfield fence in the bottom of the third inning. The surly creatures began acting aggressively and honking loudly, alarming broadcasters Richard Wrong and Scotty Sources.
“I was talking about how excited I was about the game but then the geese caught the corner of my eye,” Wrong said. “I asked Scotty if he could see them from his vantage point but he originally did not. Those geese are majestic birds of freedom and were having lots of fun!”
However, what happened afterward was not characterized as fun by onlookers, many of whom are traumatized by the harrowing experience. The presence of the angry geese caused murmurs among the stands and in each team’s dugout as play proceeded with caution.
“Richard was highly distracted by the geese, which are not a common sight at the ballpark,” Sources said. “But I just kept telling him ‘Let’s focus on the game, we’re not here to birdwatch.’”
While Bradley’s Faith German was at the plate, the flock loudly flew over the left field fence and descended upon the playing surface, attempting to bite multiple North-South fielders while defecating all over the field. A small number of geese flew into the stands to attack fans in what appeared to be an attempt to seize the stadium.
“This is intense Scotty, I hope the military doesn’t have to get involved,” Wright frantically said on the broadcast at that point in time.
With geese honking, fans screaming and players running to their dugouts for shelter, the scene was frightening for approximately 10 minutes. With Wrong and Sources still narrating what was transpiring, military members had to show up to remove the uncontrollable geese.
Wrong was taken aback by the visit from the armed forces, which further frightened him.
“Oh no, Scotty! This is not good! The military is here!” exclaimed Wrong amidst the shrieks of petrified fans.
“Richard, who, by the way, was being an absolute baby about this whole situation, told me that we should flee the premises,” Sources recounted. “But too many people say that there’s not enough action in sports outside of basketball and football. I tell them they should try going to a softball game involving geese and the National Guard…that’ll change your mind.”
Roughly a dozen camouflage-clad soldiers went onto the field with large nets and cages to trap and corral the instigating birds. The Braves were not fazed by the events, however, as this was not the first time that winged creatures had taken a visit during one of their games this season.
“During a game in Florida earlier this year, we had two parrots fly onto the field,” Braves outfielder Helena Homerun said. “At least those birds were friends to us and did not crap all over the place. I feel bad for our facilities manager Robert Driver who has to clean all of it up though.”
A disgruntled Driver declined The Scoop’s interview request.
Eventually, the military caught each goose that made the unwelcome visit to the raucous cheers of those who had not retreated to the safety of their vehicles. Wrong was relieved once the soldiers left.
“Common sense would have told me that they were here to remove the geese,” Wrong said. “But in the panic of the moment, I was scared that they were here because what if they thought Scotty and I were conspirators or terrorists?”
While the Braves’ field is undergoing repairs following the incident, the team will temporarily play their games in an enclosed venue that has yet to be determined.
“With our luck, our next game will be in the aviary of the Peoria Zoo,” Homerun said. “However, I’m glad that no one was hurt and we can laugh about it in hindsight.”
