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Scoop Police Reports

Graphic by Ethan Nelson

Note: This article is a part of the April Fools’ Day edition, The Scoop, and is not meant to be taken seriously.

  • Kaboom! was arrested early Sunday morning outside of Saddle Up Dance Club. A club-goer called 911 when the intoxicated Bradley mascot became belligerent. Witnesses claimed Kaboom! entered the club shortly after the Bradley men’s basketball team was eliminated from the NIT Tournament the previous day. The gargoyle was reportedly sitting at the bar, quietly drinking cups of rosé. After some time, Kaboom! attacked a clubgoer wearing a Cincinnati Bengals t-shirt and sat on them until police arrived. The mascot mistook the Cincinnati Bengals, an NFL team, for the Cincinnati Bearcats, who beat the men’s basketball team the night before the incident. In an interview with BUPD, the victim said, “When I saw the lifelessness in that gargoyle’s eyes, I knew I was cooked.” Officers transported Kaboom! to the BUPD station where a group of nearly 100 students were waiting to offer their praise and support. 
  • At 3:25 p.m. on Tuesday, a group of students on Alumni Quad called BUPD when nearly 30 squirrels circled them as they lounged in their hammocks. Students panicked when a small militia of squirrels began throwing acorns at them from above. When officers arrived, the squirrels opened fire at the police cars, shattering a windshield with a single acorn. Officers escorted students to safety when the squirrels were distracted by a basketball player riding on an electric scooter. The squirrels followed the scooter around the quad until animal control arrived.
  • BUPD responded to a call from Olin Hall on Monday morning after a chemical leak was detected resembling the smell of a rundown urinal from a second-floor chemistry laboratory.  The Peoria Fire Department entered the lab and identified a leaking compressed gas cylinder. The cylinder was secured and the building was aired out before students and faculty were allowed to reenter the building. After investigating, BUPD learned that the gas cylinder responsible for the leak contained a proprietary mixture of gasses which was being developed by a graduate student to closely resemble the smell of human flatulence. After the incident, a spokesperson for the Department of Chemistry and Biochemistry apologized for any inconvenience to students as a result of the “crappy situation.”
  • Around 5 p.m. on March 22, officers responded to a car crash at the intersection of West Main Street and University Street which involved half a dozen vehicles. The vehicles were traveling westbound on Main Street when a Wags for Mags service dog named Colby Jack was walking with his handler on the sidewalk. Drivers reported being totally distracted by the service dog in-training, resulting in the collision. One driver said, “I was so distracted by the cutest puppy dog I have ever seen! I couldn’t stop looking at him.”

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