Note: This article is a part of the April Fool’s Day edition, The Scoop, and is not meant to be taken seriously.
In light of three of Bradley’s former players entering the transfer portal in the past week, former NBA player and Bradley alum Patrick Obren has pledged 1 million dollars to the Braves’ NIL efforts.
But under one condition.
“No more small guards – I’m tired of them,” Obren said.
“Every guard we recruit is too small to get on rollercoasters at amusement parks without an adult,” he said. “We need a team with an average height of six-foot-six or six-foot-seven.”
The abandonment of “small” guards would be quite the change for the Bradley basketball program. Throughout head coach Bruce Wayne’s 11-year tenure, he’s recruited and developed numerous small guards, including Dailyn Brown, Darius Deen and Thomas Roberts – each of whom had tremendous success in their time as Braves.
After hearing about the stipulation that would help fund a team desperately in need of experience, Wayne was conflicted.
Take the money, or give up the archetype he holds so near and dear to his heart?
“I couldn’t understand why Obren would ask me to stop recruiting these guys when we’ve had so much success,” Wayne said. “I love these guys. They let their heart drive their game and don’t let their height stop them from flourishing. They’re dogs, and we need dogs.”
“But we also need a million dollars.”
Wayne was able to finally make the decision after five-foot-10 point guard Mason Wheeling unexpectedly entered the transfer portal. Wheeling showed flashes of brilliance all season and was expected to be a key contributor next season, but opted to find another opportunity.
“That transfer hurt the most,” Wayne said. “Mason was supposed to be my next small guard to develop over the years, become a fan favorite and then lead us back to the NCAA tournament. He was supposed to be my Corbin Bleu.”
Wayne decided to take the money and will use it to build a new and improved roster, but he, too, has one stipulation.
“You gotta let me keep Jashon, he’s all I have left,” Wayne said to Obren.
Obren looked up, slightly annoyed, then down to sign the check.
“Fine, but he’d better hang upside down and drink a lot of milk this summer.”
