Note: This article is a part of the April Fools’ Day edition, The Scoop, and is not meant to be taken seriously.
With tensions rising since last semester over Bradley’s Multi-Factor Authentication (MFA) program, displeased students recently took matters into their own hands by protesting against the hassle-inducing security measures.
Students gathered at Founder’s Circle on March 28 wearing red “I Hate MFA” shirts and wielding “Do Away with MFA” signs, intent on marching around campus to spread their message and create widespread chaos.
The protest was spearheaded by fifth-year senior tomfoolery major Robin Banks who got so fed up with MFA that he threw his computer out of his dorm room window.
“I was trying to submit my paper at 11:58 p.m. like I always do, and it took me 30 minutes to get onto Canvas,” Banks said. “By the time I logged on, the assignment submission was locked. I was shaking with rage and the next thing I knew, my Macbook was in pieces on the concrete.”
One of Bradley’s oldest staff members, youth studies professor Luke Warm, echoed Banks’ frustrations over the unnecessarily complicated program.
“This MFA thing is ridiculous,” Warm said. “Half the time I don’t even remember my Blackboard password. For crying out loud, I haven’t checked my email in six months.”
The demonstration was intentionally hostile and disruptive. Groups of protestors interrupted classes across campus, going as far as logging professors out of their Bradley accounts knowing that they wouldn’t be able to log in again for a month. Several students also expressed their strong feelings about MFA by spray painting insulting messages all over the outdated textbook-esque posters outside of Olin Hall, Heitz Hall and the bookstore.
“Oh, we did [the university] a favor with that,” Banks said. “I don’t know who came up with that, but now they have a reason to take them down. No need to thank me.”
When students reached the Cullom-Davis Library, they displayed Olympic levels of athleticism as they leaped over the ID scanners and stormed the IT service desk. Workers behind the desk fled and called campus police as protestors began throwing desktop computers to the ground.
Within minutes, BUPD arrived and arrested all of the protesters. They weren’t taken peacefully.
“Today, we stuck it to the man,” Banks said as he was dragged out of the building in handcuffs.