Note: This article is a part of the April Fools’ Day edition, The Scoop, and is not meant to be taken seriously.
There has been a startling movement taking place on our very own campus as rustling bushes and a chilling wind are an ominous sign of the unexpected: a squirrel invasion.
A charming and self-evident feature of the campus is the abundance of these small mammals. Sure, they look innocent, wholesome and even a little quirky in how they sit hunched over like tired uncles on the Alumni and Olin quads.
But what lies beneath these bushy-tailed rodents? A dark and disturbing secret hides beyond their beady little eyes. The squirrels have been seen congregating around the front of Bradley Hall where the Lydia Moss Bradley statue stands.
Every couple of nights, The Scoop has staked out near the statue and witnessed groups of squirrels emerging from underneath and running off to do unknown activities. When they returned, a makeshift altar and ornaments appeared with a diagram of Bradley Hall.
The Scoop was able to interview the statue the next day.
“I have to say those furry little freaks were bowing down and worshiping me all night when all I needed was some shut-eye. I heard them squeaking some prayers about next year’s basketball season and Bradley Hall,” Bradley said. “I have no idea what they want with the building, but I did hear them lamenting about the previous season. At least there is always next time and that’s the most important thing. I should know. I invested in horology for Pete’s sake.”
Considering the squirrels’ suspicious behavior and the statue’s testimony, it can be concluded that these squirrels seek to undermine Bradley as an institution, starting with overtaking Bradley Hall.
The Scoop intends to further analyze this ongoing development into an endless number of articles in the meantime. As journalists, we need to do our due diligence as too many publications rush out their articles to stay relevant. We value the irrelevance and untimeliness of our stories.
These squirrels are seen as innocent creatures but could they really be so harmless when they are gathering and plotting in the very center of our institution? Stay tuned.
