I think the strangest thing about knowing people is realizing how many versions of yourself exist in other people’s heads.
To some people, you’re the funniest person they know. To others, you’re a little too much.
Someone thinks you’re a good friend, while someone else might tell a different story, a complete reinterpretation of who you are.
And somewhere in between, there’s you, left to wonder what that actually means.
I’ve spent too much time trying to figure out who understands me, who misunderstands me and who has decided what kind of person I am.
I care about perception. I’m human.
And it’s an exhausting hobby. I wouldn’t recommend it.
I’ve met a lot of people in my life. People who know me, and people who don’t. Sometimes, you don’t need to explain yourself. The right people just get it.
But what happens when they don’t?
I care about most people who walk into my life; I can’t help it. But caring about someone and communicating with them on a personal level doesn’t automatically mean they understand you.
Sometimes, you explain yourself and still feel like your words land somewhere they aren’t supposed to.
Sometimes, you spend so much time trying to get someone to understand your perspective that you forget to ask yourself what you actually think.
That’s the uncomfortable part about becoming your own person. You have to learn some things alone. You start realizing that even people who care about you won’t always understand you.
That doesn’t necessarily make them bad people. But it does mean learning when to stop explaining yourself and start doing what feels right to you.
I’m still working on that.
I’ve learned that you can forgive someone and still need distance.
You can care about somebody without giving them the same access to you they once had.
And you can make decisions for your own health and well-being without constantly worrying about getting it wrong.
Of course, life would be much easier if I didn’t overthink every interaction like I’m preparing a statement for the press. I’m a PR major, not a miracle worker.
I’m human for going back on the boundaries I set for myself. For talking to the person I told myself I wouldn’t talk to again. For wanting to reach out, even when I know distance might be better for us.
Knowing what’s best for me doesn’t mean I’ll always choose it. And knowing better doesn’t mean I’ll never make the same mistake twice.
But I’m trying.
I’m trying to stand firm on my word. I’m trying to reel myself back in when I want to do something I know I shouldn’t. I’m trying to accept that sometimes leaving things alone is the kindest thing I can do for everyone.
And I’m trying to stop treating every mistake like proof that I’m a bad person.
Maybe I said too much, or said the wrong thing. Did I skew my words? Was it my tone, or was I a little defensive? Maybe I forgave too easily, or maybe I walked away too soon.
Your own thoughts can be your own friend, or your enemy.
When my thoughts lead me in the wrong direction, I can acknowledge my mistakes without convincing myself that everything about me is wrong, whether I overthink it or not.
I care deeply, but that doesn’t mean I always handle it well. My words come out sometimes. My feelings get the better of me. I go about situations wrong.
I’m not perfect. I’m human. I have flaws. I have feelings. I’m just trying to be better without convincing myself that who I am isn’t worth loving too.
Because that’s what I’ve been getting all wrong. I’ve spent so much time worrying about who I am to other people that I’ve forgotten I have a say in who I become. I can’t control every story told about me, every misunderstanding, or every person who decides they’ve figured me out.
All I can do is take accountability for my part, learn from it and keep moving.
Some people will understand me. Others won’t. Some will stay, and others will become memories I look back on someday. I’m learning I don’t have to make peace with everyone to make peace with myself.
And to those who’ve challenged me, confused me, disappointed me or taught me something about myself I wasn’t ready to learn: congratulations. You’ve all shaped my character. Some of you deserve a thank you note – and others deserve nothing at all.
If you’re reading this, trying to figure out which part is about you, I have two things to say.
First, you might be giving yourself too much credit.
Second, you might not be giving yourself enough.
Either way, I hope you learn something. I always do.
