Note: This article is a part of the April Fools’ Day edition, The Scoop, and is not meant to be taken seriously.
Tangerine Smellzher
I would sneak into Disneyland and hack the system to get unlimited FastPasses for all the rides. I might also take some free merch while I’m at it. Fans everywhere deserve as much after Disney+ prices went up.
Lizz B. Anne
Unalive Dryden.
Dryden Penn
I would pull a Robin Hood-style heist on Jeff Bezos. Baldy needs to pay. Plus, a Purge day would let me escape the fashion police for wearing exclusively Lincoln green.
Tia M. Zee
I’d force the DMV to give me a license. I’d go to a dealership with Lamborghinis, steal a super fast Lamborghini, race it down the highway but probably crash it. After I most likely crash from being a Speed Racer, I’d steal a humble hybrid because Purge day isn’t going to be everyday and gas prices have been the true thieves this whole time.
Sonny Sportsball
I would hack into Canvas and delete all of my upcoming assignments so that I could focus on my extracurricular activities instead of school. Doing homework would eventually pay my bills down the road, but I am broke and need money now.
Staff Ryder
I would commit all the crimes on campus because I’m in charge of writing the police reports and I can pin the blame on someone else when the purge is over.
