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Admissions requirements now just an EKG scan

The following article is a part of our April Fool’s edition, The Scoop. The content of these stories is entirely fabricated and not to be taken seriously.

Beginning in the fall of 2021, those seeking admission into Bradley need not provide more than an electrocardiogram (EKG) scan to confirm a heartbeat.

The university announced the decision today in an email addressed to the Bradley community. Attached was a short video by President Sitandstand in which he received an EKG scan and confirmed he had a heartbeat.

“While ACT, SAT, personal statements, interviews and GPA are all valid admission criteria, we’re adapting our own admissions requirements to meet our overall trends,” stated the email. “These methods are just not representative of the types of students we want at Bradley.”

According to the email, the new standard will allow the university to be more accepting while still preventing bots and trolls from gaining admission. In the past five years, over 100 bots and trolls have been accidentally admitted into the university, according to the statistical profile.

“In all honesty, we haven’t been looking at ‘traditional’ factors for years anyway,” said Dustin Square, vice president of enrollment for the university. “We’ve decided to cut the b******* and stop pretending like we read personal statements.”

The decision comes three years after the creation of the Illinois Central College direct admissions program, in which ICC sophomores with a 2.5 GPA or higher can be directly transferred into Bradley.

Prospective students will still be required to create an application portal account through the Bradley website; however, the only document they will need to scan and upload is an EKG, preferably conducted by a licensed doctor.

“I’m so excited to hear this news,” said high school senior Ida Knotcare. “I was nervous about the admissions process and meeting requirements, but I do have a heartbeat. Instead of spending my year studying for standardized tests, I can use that time to finish watching ‘The Vampire Diaries’.”

Sophomore business major Chad Lockport views the new admissions standards as problematic.

“I feel like I should transfer; should I transfer?” Lockport said. “When I put Bradley on my resume, it’s now kind of embarrassing and not distinguishing. All people have to do is prove they’re alive.”

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