Note: This article is a part of the April Fools’ Day edition, The Scoop, and is not meant to be taken seriously.
Following numerous police reports regarding students hitting the floor — and not in a fun way — the City of Peoria launched an all-out investigation into Bradley University’s air and water quality.
Without any leads, investigating officials turned to hospitals flooded with half-conscious Bradley students.
After consulting with physicians and testing the soil, water and geiger counter, heavy metal toxicity in the drinking water turned out to be the cause. However, these weren’t typical compounds resulting from old pipes; the cause was much more sinister.
Investigators concluded the hospitalizations were a result of foul play, and based on the levels, city authorities noted that the perpetrators’ antics had to have been happening for a while.
“With any kind of poisoning, it is both the dosage and duration of intake which causes severe side effects like brain damage and fainting,” H2O professional Freddie Cadmium said. “Heavy metals especially can be consumed for weeks until people connect the dots. It’s really a great MO.”
Campus authorities are among those who failed to draw any lines.
“I hadn’t even considered the events could be connected. I mean, they never taught us how to investigate at the academy,” BUPD Lead Detective Jack Inhoff said. “Sure, those police reports were suspicious, but you know kids these days, we figured it was probably just all the substances.”
Where the authorities faltered, the City of Peoria and several victims picked up the slack.
One anonymous victim at the helm of the private investigation recounts the highlight of the operation.
“Me and this waterworks geek, Freddie, were staking out the big water manhole or whatever and I’ve never done anything like this before, okay? I don’t usually get in a car alone until the second date, but the night vision goggles kind of killed the vibe anyway,” they said.
“… Point is, we actually caught some fool opening up the drain and putting stuff in it,” they continued. “Waterworks jumped out of the car and roundhouse kicked this guy while I grabbed his little bag of schemes.”
“This idiot actually had these little jars labeled ‘Arsenic’ and ‘Mercury’ and stuff. How stupid can you get? Anyway, that was a really satisfying conclusion to all the hard work we put in,” they said.
Not all victims contributed to the investigation; some turned to the courts.
“I am suing this trailer-trash university for any endowment it’s got. Look at me, I’m absolutely sickening. My skin is clear and my waist is snatched,” junior finance major Farr Gott said.
When asked to clarify how this requires legal action, Gott recounted recent traumatic experiences.
“I went to Club Diesel and met this prawn, and his deck got stained and all if you know what I mean, but I usually go drinking with the boys at Jimmy’s,” Gott said. “Worst of all, I was gagged seeing Pedro Pascal in the new ‘Last of Us’ trailer, oh honey, that’s at least emotional damages right there.”
Upon further investigation, frogs in the surrounding area seemingly continue to display heteronormative behavior.
As hospitalized students are stabilized and return to class, the university continues to be under a boil-or-Brita order until further notice as toxins are filtered out of the system.
“This just goes to show the power of inter-departmental coordination. I think we handled this investigation really well, by the book to a tee,” Inhoff said.
The perpetrator is facing 25-to-life in prison for a slew of charges, including tampering with facilities and attempted murder. The waterhole is also receiving a new security upgrade over the summer with the hope of preventing another such event.
