1. Carving turnips instead of pumpkins: Yes
I know I’ve only got a few seconds before an assassin employed by the Morton Pumpkin Festival snipes me to death like the Winter (Autumn?) Soldier, but hear me out. Turnips are objectively gross-looking. Any face you carve into one looks like an extra from “The Walking Dead” with little to no effort, whereas pumpkins are by nature cutesy and fun. In the spirit of having an actually scary Halloween: switch to turnips.
2. Throwing flour in people’s faces: Yes
Apparently, in the early 1900s, there wasn’t much to do for entertainment. So, kids would knock on doors on Halloween night and chuck a bunch of flour at whoever answered. We should definitely bring that back; it’s easy, fun and harmless —unless someone has a gluten allergy.
3. Throwing corn and decaying vegetables at people’s houses: No
Yeah, there really wasn’t a lot to do back then. Thankfully, we now have Netflix.
4. Bobbing for apples, but weirder: No
So it used to be a thing to hang apples on a string beneath some candles, and if you didn’t get the apple down in time with your mouth, hot wax dripped on your face. My generation came up with the Tide Pod challenge, so maybe I shouldn’t judge…Never mind, I’m judging.
5. Barnbrack: No
Making and eating Barnbrack—a sweet bread/cake thing with dried fruit in it—is an old Irish Halloween tradition. People would hide objects in it before they baked it, and if you found an object in your slice, it was supposed to tell you something about your future. If you found a ring, for example, it meant you’d get married soon, and if you found a rag it meant your financial future was uncertain. Guess what: I’m an English major. I already know my financial future is uncertain. I don’t need it confirmed by a slice of glorified raisin bran.
6. Spitting on your farm animals to keep them from being stolen by evil spirits: Yes
Have you ever met a sheep? Sheep are the worst. I’ll take any excuse to spit on one.
