A cat’s tail
BY SALEM HEX; DICTATED BY JADE SEWELL
Who the hiss are you? Do you have any food?
I’m not sure why you’re in my presence, then. Since you’re here, though, I might as well tell you about the feline hell my owner has put me through over the past few years of quarantine (cat years, of course).
I’m Salem. I’m a survivor. This is my story.
At around mid-March, I noticed my owner was home on a weekday. I assumed she was on her spring break, and I told myself I could handle it. It’s just one human week.
I was wrong.
Eventually, I realized that she wasn’t going back to school.
She is home every second of every day. I cannot escape her. Not only is she obnoxious, but she also changed my food brand. I went from eating Hill’s Science Diet chicken flavor to Hill’s Science Diet tuna flavor. (Apparently, PetSmart only had this bag in the big size, but that’s still no excuse for my owner’s insolence.)
On top of my cuisine tragedy, my owner harasses me every minute of every day.
In the middle of my fifth mid-morning nap today, she came up to me, started scratching behind my ears and asked me “Who’s a pretty kitty?” “Who’s a pretty kitty?”
I’m the pretty kitty, moron. I’ve always been the pretty kitty. I would like to go back to basking in the warmth of the window, now.
Admittedly, the highlight of my day is interrupting her online classes. Yesterday, I climbed on top of her laptop in the middle of class, and she had to log back into her Zoom meeting. Today, I climbed up the kitchen cabinets and jumped to the skylight. She was mid-presentation as I started yowling for help. I hope she failed it. It’s what she deserves for keeping me up all night as she frantically tried to finish.
Anyways, that’s my story. I’m going to go attempt to break into my food container again. You may leave.
A dog’s tail
BY FINLEY GALLOWAY; DICTATED BY JOSSIE WARD
Bark! HOOMAN! Bark! Or should I say “Hello!” My name is Finley Galloway, and I am what one might consider a labbo AKA a labrador retriever… I prefer labbo, though—that’s what is preferred in the dog world. I just turned three a couple of weeks ago, and I love my life. My family loves me, and I love them. They know I love them because I give them kisses all the time, and I know they love me because they are always saying things like “Good Girl” and “Good doggo.” Even when I get in trouble for barking at “Wheel of Fortune” or “Tiger King,” they still give me ear scratches.
Lately, all my people have been home all the time. You know what that means … I play ball all the time! Ohh and walks. Lots and lots of walks. Sometimes, I go on three or four walks a day. I love walks because I get to smell grass and flowers and trees! Oh, and sometimes there is a sprinkler I get to drink from! Those are the best. Man, I love going on walks.
Does anyone want to play ball? Please, pretty please? No? Okay, let’s continue working. This quarantine thing kind of rocks for me and my friends. All of my humans are home from work and school, so I always have someone to play with.
I have gotten so many belly rubs lately. This is paradise! Not to mention the food. My family has been cooking so much food, food I haven’t smelled in years. Sometimes, if I am a very good girl, they give me some of the roast or the steak and it is sooooo tasty!
Normally, I get a treat anytime the humans leave, but because they really only leave to go to the store, I don’t get as many treats right now. That is the only downside to this whole thing because other than that I am loving every minute of this.
Okay well, one of my humans just put on their shoes, so I am going to go try and get them to play ball with me! Bark Bark! I mean Bye Bye!
Maybe I’ll check back in with you in a couple of weeks! Until then, I hope you get to go on all the walks and get all the belly rubs or whatever the human equivalent is.