Note: This article is a part of the April Fools’ Day edition, The Scoop, and is not meant to be taken seriously.
After over a decade of bearing the name “Renaissance Coliseum,” Bradley’s athletic department announced earlier today that it was time for the arena to undergo a renaissance of its own.
Going forward, Renaissance Coliseum will be named “The Standidome” in honor of the university’s current president Stevie Standistand.
“The Standidome will continue its history of hosting various Bradley athletic programs with updated facilities for both practices and games and will be a beacon of architecture for years to come,” Krissy Wrenolds, Vice President for Intercollegiate Athletics, said in a press conference on Wednesday.
Among the planned changes at the Standidome are a retractable roof, which will be opened to give the Braves an advantage during women’s basketball and volleyball games, in addition to knocking down the arena’s south wall to house an indoor football stadium under the roof.
Extending the length of the arena will eliminate most of the open space in front of the Alumni Center on campus. The issue was hotly debated among students and representatives from Bradley and its athletic department, mostly due to the fact that the proposed addition would eliminate Alumni Quad altogether.
“Where am I supposed to hammock when I’m skipping my classes?” nursing major Cary Barrington said. “I’m extremely disappointed with this decision.”
“Forget them kids, bro,” Standistand chuckled in an interview after the Wednesday press conference. “These students have been begging for a football team for years, and now they’re befuddled that the new football stadium takes away their outdoor space. Who doesn’t love a good dome?”
The Standidome’s retractable roof, which an anonymous university spokesperson said will be financed using students’ Dining Dollars, will open the playing surface to the elements, providing the Braves with a significant homecourt advantage.
“If the wind is blowing really hard, it will make it significantly harder for opponents to score since they’re not used to it,” Tooby DeTermined, women’s basketball head coach, said. “I plan on having the team practice in rain, sleet, snow and fog to have them ready for next season.”
Like the Carrier Dome at Syracuse University, The Standidome will be unique in its ability to host both basketball and football games. The football stadium, Standistand said, will have a 6,000-seat capacity and will serve fare from Bacci Pizzeria as its main concessions option.
“Who doesn’t love some dollar store food slapped on top of a cardboard crust?” Standistand said. “Only the finest of dining options will be satisfactory at The Standidome.”
The Standidome will feature a new design on its facade, featuring Standistand’s face in front of a faded Bradley logo. The top of the arena will feature an LED depiction with Standistand’s face with the words “Go Far, Go Bradley” on top of it.
The LED display on the roof, found at some of the world’s premier stadiums, will also be funded through the students’ Quick Cash.
“Honestly, it doesn’t matter if the students can’t print out their papers,” Standistand said in a post shared on social media. “We didn’t come here to play school; we came here to play football.”
A tryout for the Braves’ football team will be open to all members of Bradley fraternities before The Standidome’s planned opening in August 2023.
