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Scoop Police Reports

Graphic by Kyle St. John

Note: This article is a part of the April Fools’ Day edition, The Scoop, and is not meant to be taken seriously.

  • At 9:45 p.m. on March 25 in front of Wyckoff Hall, the university’s Hilltop Safety Cruiser struck Spider-Man. The New York-local superhero was visiting campus as a supporter of the Student Senate election. The web-slinger was walking across the street from Wyckoff Hall to the student center when the cruiser came out of nowhere and struck him. The masked hero was left with a bruised rib but no major injuries. The driver of the Safety Cruiser remained unharmed. The Scoop even has a photo from the scene.


  • Around 3:40 a.m. on March 23 at Renaissance Coliseum, the identity of the local individual who stored bags and bottles filled with urine was revealed to be Bradley’s mascot Kaboom!. The BUPD got an anonymous tip from a student on campus who spotted the mascot walking away from Williams Hall with bags in hand. Upon arriving at Renaissance Coliseum, BUPD found the mascot in a room with multiple bags and bottles of urine. Kaboom! has since been placed in custody.


  • At 5 a.m. on March 26 on Olin Quad, a fight broke out between a student and a gang of squirrels. The student was out participating in early morning yoga when a squirrel threw an acorn at their head. This prompted the student to throw the acorn back and call the squirrel a “nut job.” The squirrel took offense to the comment and called for his gang of squirrels, who then gathered around the student and cornered them before starting a large brawl. Acorns were used as ammunition, and the student even used a stick to fend off the squirrels. In the end, the student lost the fight, and was taken to Weenie Hut Jr. Hospital to be treated for their injuries. BUPD has not apprehended any of the accused squirrels from the rumble.


  • Around 6:30 p.m. on March 28 on the steps of Bradley Hall, a riot broke out over the social media app YikYak. Supporters of the app faced off against the anonymous user only known by the headphones emoji after they found out the user was behind the plot to ban the app from campus. Students brought posters in support of the app with their “Yakarma” written in the corner of them. All members of the riot wore Yak hats and dressed in teal to match the app.


  • Around 4:25 p.m. on March 29 in The Scoop office, a disgruntled editor strangled her designer to death. When the police arrived, they investigated before releasing her from custody. “In her defense, his graphics really did suck,” said Ryan Joshuako.
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