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Scoop Police Reports

The following article is a part of our April Fool’s edition, The Scoop. The content of these stories is entirely fabricated and not to be taken seriously.

  • BUPD responded to multiple reports of a male student being choked by another student in the middle of Olin Quad on March 20 at 2 p.m. When officers asked the suspect why he tried to choke the other student, he said he “could not take any more of his crappy news article submissions in “The Scoop.” BUPD took him into custody and charged him with assault.
  • On March 21 at 6:30 a.m., officers were dispatched to Bradley Hall after someone reported seeing Kaboom! passed out in the first-floor hallway near Neumiller Hall. When police arrived, they woke Kaboom! up and asked what had happened. Kaboom! reportedly admitted to dartying too hard the day before. Kaboom! was given a verbal warning and reported to traffic duty soon after. This incident is still under investigation.


  • Residents on the 800 block of N. Cooper St. reported to BUPD that someone had come into their home and taken roughly 50 pounds of bacon from their refrigerator on March 18 at 2 a.m. Upon further investigation, they found surveillance footage of two young men entering and leaving the premises and were able to identify them as students. When police approached the two young men about the bacon, they said that they were in a pinch and needed it for their fraternity hog roast later that day. No charges were filed.


  • On March 19 at 11 a.m., BUPD responded to reports of walnuts being pelted at students and a strong smell of weed. When officers arrived, they found that four squirrels were up in the trees near Founder’s Circle assaulting students with walnuts while smoking marijuana. When officers approached the squirrels, they started to flee the scene but were tasered by officers and detained. The four squirrels were arrested for assault with an edible weapon and for smoking marijuana on campus. They are currently in the Peoria County Jail.


  • On March 10 at 8 p.m., BUPD was dispatched to Sisson Hall to handle a precarious situation. Members of The Scoop were held hostage by a patron of the newspaper, who demanded the previous week’s police reports. The members of The Scoop obliged, and the situation was de-escalated. The assailant is currently facing charges.
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