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What would streaming services be as people?

Graphic by Kyle St. John

The seemingly endless amount of streaming services these days can get jumbled together in a confusing mess of which show is on which platform. The Scout is here to help you sort them out by personifying these media outlets as common archetypes you may encounter in your everyday life.


The originator of the streaming service craze is the guy that peaked in high school. What was once seen as an innovator, presenting cutting edge originals like “Black Mirror,” “Daredevil,” “Mindhunter” and “Stranger Things,” now produces low-tier rom-com after rom-com like “The Kissing Booth,” “The Kissing Booth 2,” “The Kissing Booth 3” and “Stranger Things.” Just like high school, Netflix has a terrible track record with presenting mental health issues by glorifying suicide in “13 Reasons Why,” not calling anxiety “anxiety” in “Tall Girl 2” and singlehandedly keeping Noah Centineo’s career alive.


While this may seem like the all-too-obvious choice, the personification of Disney+ would be a “Disney adult.” For those unfamiliar with the title, a Disney adult is a person who embraces their love of Disney movies well after childhood. They may take yearly trips to “the happiest place on Earth™” and plaster their walls in Mickey ears. They also may say that “love is love” but are actually secret homophobes.


Because of the student deal with Spotify Premium, Hulu is best represented by broke college kids. Home to bingeable sitcoms like “How I Met Your Mother” and “Modern Family,” this streaming service was designed with procrastinating students in mind. However, Hulu could also be represented by wine moms with shows like “The Kardashians” and “The Bachelor.”


HBO Max is the creepy uncle who should not be around children. Why is everyone naked? Given the fact that it’s also the location for children’s programming like “Sesame Street,” “Looney Tunes” and the entire Cartoon Network library, thank goodness for parental controls.


The NBC streaming service is that guy who still watches “The Office.” Dude, get over it. It’s been off the air for almost 10 years. The prevalence placed on this past sitcom obscures more recent shows like “A.P. Bio.” If given the chance, “A.P. Bio” could’ve been the next great thing, but was canceled for low viewership not once, but twice.


Paramount+ is easily the “where’s my hug at?” guy of streaming services. Nobody wants him around, but he manages to crawl his way into the conversation. In addition to often being frustratingly laggy, the service is producing several “SpongeBob” spinoffs in direct contradiction with the wishes of the late Stephen Hillenburg. The compartmentalization of streaming services on corporate lines means the content library is pretty limited. This also means that it’s the only place to watch recent “Star Trek” shows like “Lower Decks,” “Discovery” and “Strange New Worlds,” so unfortunately, this sorry excuse for a streaming service will be getting my $4.99 a month for the time being.

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