Note: This article is a part of the April Fool’s Day edition, The Scoop, and is not meant to be taken seriously.
When the fireworks painted the dark skies of 2345, the student body president let slip the new change coming to campus, with applications trickling in.
“These people – well, not people… aliens – they’re gonna be accepted now,” Medium Randy, a junior majoring in steak dynamics, said. “And all I’m thinking is, if I went bald in solidarity, will they still vote as everyone else does? Will they vote for me?”
Some answers are only a barber away, but Randy’s concerns are more indicative than his well-done demeanor lets on. What will these new students bring?
We’re All Human (WAH) doesn’t have to ask; they already have an idea. President of WAH Krie Abbowtitt cited the importance of keeping a closed mind.
“They can go back to their planet,” the senior subterrestrial communications major said. “They don’t come here looking to act like people – like all of us. I have a friend at ICC who was telling me that the only reason they still have mayo – gross and spicy – is because the aliens are loving it.”
Despite Abbowtitt’s rare opinion, many on campus support the university’s decision.
“It was a long time coming. We’re the only university in Illinois that hasn’t been accepting intergalactic students,” sophomore Apple history major Job Stevens said. “Besides the three people in WAH, I haven’t seen anyone be hostile. Bradley’s a very accepting place.”
Aside from Bradley’s inclusivity, another reason lies behind the sudden shift: enrollment numbers.
Last year, the amount of enrolled students capped at 666, with only 67 out-of-state students and 420 online students. The vice president for enrollment and marketing communications Taykmee Tomars didn’t hide her disappointment.
“We had many accommodations set in place with carbon dioxide stop-and-go’s and made sure to add our new lounge in the most sunny, least shady part of campus, right by the abandoned morgue,” Tomars said. “We’ve tried reaching out of state; it’s time to reach out of the atmosphere.”
The office of interplanetary communication supported the move with a statement from their social media director Watts Fais-Book informing students of new, exciting shifts to come.
“Get ready for expanded meal plans and no-gravity zones for studying on the tough weeks!” Fais-Book wrote on a Don’tGroupMe announcement. “As we adjust for our new students, we’ll make sure to give all our students, alien and earther alike, an out of this world experience!”
As the one who broke the administrative secret on the fated New Year’s Day, student body president Randy will host a welcome block party by the new lounge on Feb. 30, inviting all students to “relax, chill, chillax and enjoy mayo.”
