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Advice Column: lingering exes

Dear Jossie,

My friends and family still think my ex-boyfriend has feelings for me. I think they are delusional; we have been separated for almost a year, but we were together for some years. The reason they think he still has feelings for me is because he has changed since the breakup, he hasn’t been able to commit to another relationship since the breakup, and I recently removed him from my social media accounts and he texted me asking why. Then, I recently saw him in person because we were at the same place, and that was awkward! I couldn’t even form words to say “hi.” Of course since the breakup ended, I think he has moved on, but everyone else thinks he was only reacting that way to protect his ego. Everyone keeps telling me that we should talk things out to see if there is still something there, but I think we are two different people now. I mean it’s been almost a year, shouldn’t we have moved on? I think my friends/family are starting to cloud my judgment. I don’t know what to do or how to feel. What do you think I should do?

Sincerely,

Confused


Dear Confused,

Hello! Surprisingly enough, this situation is familiar. While I cannot speak directly to what is going through the mind of your ex-boyfriend, I can give you advice from that side of the equation.

My brother dated his first girlfriend for a few years before they broke up. They had been friends before dating, and it was hard on both of them.

After they broke up, my brother went on to date a lot of girls in a short period of time. Each of these relationships lasted less than six months and weren’t the healthiest (lots of stories to laugh at now).

Everyone who witnessed these relationships pretty much agreed that he was not really into these girls. They had no chemistry or connection, but the girls had certain, shall we say, assets (cough cough) that would appeal to a 17-year-old boy.

My brother still kept up with everything going on in his ex-girlfriend’s life and would comment about how much he hated her new boyfriend. To this day, my mom is convinced they are endgame..

My brother is way too stubborn to admit that he still loves her and keeps up with her social media, but we all know he does. He did eventually get into other long-term relationships, but it still isn’t the same. His level of commitment and effort aren’t nearly as high.

I think that your situation is a matter of figuring out what you want. Do you want to get back together with him? Do you see a future with him? Do you think you will regret not giving him another chance?

He might be like my brother, who just acts like that to protect his ego, and he may be too stubborn to say how he feels. On the other hand, he could be trying to remain friends.

Again, this boils down to what you want. Granted, I don’t know why you broke up, but looking back, do you still think breaking up was the right choice?

For me, I want to be with somebody who makes me undeniably happy. I want to be with somebody who encourages me to be the best version of myself, challenges me and helps me build a healthy relationship where I feel loved.

Figure out what you want and go from there. If you are interested in trying things again with your ex, but you aren’t sure where they stand, just ask them.

Then you will either know how they feel, or you will know that they aren’t ready to share. If they aren’t ready to share, then they probably aren’t ready to be back in a relationship.

I hope this helps you and I wish you all the happiness in the world.

Best,
Jossie

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