Note: This article is a part of the April Fools’ Day edition, The Scoop, and is not meant to be taken seriously.
Multiple reports have been made claiming that Raymond A. Teller, a communications professor and assistant speech coach, has exhibited behavior that indicates he is actually three mice in a suit.
Students in Teller’s class and on the speech team have observed him exhibiting strange mannerisms, including frequently sniffing the air, rubbing his hands together and repeatedly asking any and all people he interacts with for cheese.
“When I asked for help with my speech, he told me to ‘get the squeak out of his face,’” Elizabeth Lee, speech team president, said. “It’s become a real problem.”
On multiple occasions, Teller has come to speech practices visibly shorter than usual, leading some team members to believe that one of the mice was left behind.
“One time, I had to let him into one of our practice rooms because he couldn’t reach the door handle,” Lee said. “He doesn’t think we notice, but he shows up and be literally two feet shorter than the day before.”
Students in his classes have complained that his insatiable desire for cheese is damaging their learning ability.
“Every class, one of two things happens,” Stuart Dent, a freshman stuffed animal design major, said. “Either he can’t get through a lecture because he’s eating cheese, or he gets angry at us for not writing our speeches about cheese.”
A spokesperson for the Bradley communications department released a statement on Friday, announcing an inquiry into the issue.
“We are committed to ensuring all of our faculty are human,” the statement read. “Our desire to keep our professors rodent-free necessitates investigating this matter. One mouse on staff is too many, let alone three.”
Hartley Rathaway, the dean of the Piper School of Rodent Research, is expected to lead the investigation.
“We have mousetraps in every building now,” Rathaway said. “We’ll get to the bottom of this one way or another.”
The Scoop reached out to Teller for comment. The only response came in the form of a crumpled-up piece of notebook paper with the word “cheese” written on it approximately 174 times. The paper was stamped with a small pawprint at the bottom.
