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Campus squirrels required to pay room and board

Graphic by Kyle St. John

Note: This article is a part of the April Fools’ Day edition, The Scoop, and is not meant to be taken seriously.

The university announced today that it will establish a new policy requiring the squirrels on campus to pay for room and board to live on the Hilltop. This is an effort to keep tuition relatively stable and competitive in the current market for students.

This decision comes after multiple students discussed altercations with the squirrels causing emotional damage. University Senate hosted a forum to dive further into these issues after a group of students started a petition calling for squirrels to be banned on the Hilltop.

University officials thought it would be best to ask the squirrels to contribute financially to the campus in hopes that the students would accept this as a compromise. 

“The truth is that the squirrels are very important to the overall ecosystem of the university,” Bradley’s president Stevie Standistand said. “If the squirrels leave, then it’s only a matter of time before the whole institution collapses.”

To make the campus worth the room and board fee of $420.69 per semester, there will be some additions to accommodate the squirrels and make them more comfortable.

Civil engineering and art majors will be tasked with constructing treehouses and dorm complexes to promote collaboration between the programs as well as creating a better understanding of the squirrels’ needs. 

The treehouses will be 1 foot by 1 foot with one window and will be considered singles. There will be five treehouses around Olin Quad and 10 on Alumni Quad. The dorm complexes will be built in the grassy areas near the singles residences and will be complete with a common area and dining hall. The university is accepting donation bids for naming rights to the squirrel dorm complexes. 

“In order to build for the squirrels, you must be a squirrel,” Chad Blaze, a fifth-year civil engineering major, said. “I have slept outside and lived on nothing but nuts and stolen Chick-fil-A fries for the last week, so I say I’m doing a pretty good job.” 

If the squirrels and students remain civilized, then squirrels will be allowed to create a fraternity named Sigma Nuts and a house will be constructed on Fredonia Avenue. 

With the additional funds from the squirrels, Markin will be ordering rodent-sized exercise equipment to be used between 6 and 8 a.m. on weekdays. Students can use the gym at this time, but they must try to remain a safe distance away from the squirrels.

“I can’t wait to take pictures of the cuties in their little houses and on the miniature exercise equipment,” Dr. Nibbles, professor of rodentology, said. “Maybe I’ll start a Tumblr for all of their adventures. I hear that’s popular with the kids these days.”

The university will not accept acorns as payment, but the squirrels can accept different jobs on campus to afford the residential life fees. Some tasks include grounds maintenance, keeping the dining areas clean and residential advising in the squirrel dorms. 

“I had a squirrel throw an acorn at me while I was sitting under a tree, so no, I am not happy about the increased presence of squirrels,” Nat Inn-Myez, a  freshperson nursing major, said. “My time inside is a safe haven from those vermin and now I won’t even have that.”

The Scoop attempted to interview several squirrels, but most twitched their tails and ran away. One of the squirrels did agree to speak with an editor, but the recording could not be successfully translated. We wish this editor a speedy recovery and a negative rabies test. 

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