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Four-point scale

Attractiveness is not easy to measure, and up until now most of us have been relying on a method that’s vastly overrated and far too complicated. That’s right, I’m talking about the 10-point scale of attraction.

If you’re hoping to label how good-looking someone is, you go straight to it. This scale doesn’t care if the person in question is kind hearted or intelligent, it’s looking on the outside and calling it like it sees it.

The full scale is hardly ever fully utilized, and there’s a better way to cut out all those unnecessary numbers. Especially when they’re so ambiguous.

If someone is less than a five, they don’t get a rating. You gift people a meager six and tell yourself you’re being generous, so you don’t hurt their feelings too badly, but you know they’re not likely to ever pop up on your radar.

Anyone you deem worth considering is typically a seven or an eight, maybe a nine if you’re feeling feisty or are especially desperate.

Truthfully, most people are getting C’s when looking at things from one to 10. We’re letting potential baes average a sad 70 percent and calling it a compliment.

How can you say what tips someone up or down a notch when there isn’t a key that illustrates what each level means? Is a six really that different from a seven, or were they just having a bad hair day so you lowered their ranking a whole letter grade?

Your version of an eight on the scale could be someone else’s five. Arguing your point when there’s no definition to back you up is essentially futile.

There’s no structure to the 10-point scale. It makes describing that hottie you’re hoping to score with to your friends nearly impossible, while simultaneously painting you as a jerk for quantifying and picking apart just how good-looking someone is.

Face it; the 10-point scale is outdated and obsolete.

Now that we recognize how wrong we were before, let me tell you about the four-point scale, also known as the only way you’ll be rating all potential hookups from this day forward. Shout out to former Sports Editor, Austin Shone, who passed on this wisdom to me.

To rate someone a one on the four-point scale means you wouldn’t go for them. You also cannot see why anyone else would be interested in making this person their next nighttime adventure. There is no attraction at all and you cannot view it from any other angles, thank you, next.

A two is someone you still can’t see yourself taking home sober, but understand why someone else would. They aren’t your type. There are features about them you can see one of your buddies being into, but they just don’t do it for you. There’s no harm in admitting that they might be someone else’s cup of tea, but you don’t intend to take a sip … unless you’ve had a few too many sips.

Next, we have the most desired option: a three. A three is someone you’d absolutely take an Uber home with, whether it be after a night out at the bars or leaving a (hopefully) successful date. You find this person attractive. It doesn’t matter how attractive. You don’t have to waste your time explaining where they fall on a long and messy list, nor do you have to detail to anyone why you believe they’ve earned their rating. This person is good-looking to you in some way, shape, or form, and that is all that matters. But, you would totally understand if someone else didn’t feel the same way. Not everyone is going to have your same tastes and preferences, which is perfectly cool with you anyway, because now there’s less competition for that three you’re dying to snag.

Then, there’s the holy grail of the whole scale. To call someone a four is to boldly state that you would absolutely go for this individual and you cannot understand how the hell anyone else could disagree. Fours are the Beyoncés and David Beckhams of the world. They are a rare breed; perfection is hard to find. The thing about this level of attractiveness, however, is that it must be decided with a trial by jury. If there is a disagreement over who is a four, then that person immediately loses this golden status. A four is universal.

If you’re going to your friends and spouting that you’ve found a four out in the wild, expect them to ask you how drunk you are before investigating for themselves. Sightings are rare and a blessing.

This scale is meant to simplify the once tedious task of reporting back to your besties about the object of your affection, who happens to take horrible Instagram photos, without the hassle of defending your choices. The four-point scale cuts out the need to labor over just how good-looking someone is or what minute details make them that way.

When you find someone attractive, that’s that. If you don’t, someone else probably does. Ones are not often heard of, because everyone has their own thing and in 2019 we are going to recognize that. This scale covers it all without the hassle.

Dating and hooking up in the age of Tinder, texting and meet cutes is already hard enough, so simplify your life a little and start ranking out of four.

Every year, we publish a Valentine’s Day edition of our Voice section in order to bring the spirit of love to campus. We’re excited to bring you a number of articles (some serious, some satirical) dedicated to sex, relationships, the history of Valentine’s Day and more.

Should you plan to celebrate this day of romance with someone, be sure to stay safe and practice healthy sexual habits – and if you’re planning on cuddling up alone or with friends to watch movies and eat discount chocolates, that works perfectly, too. Whatever you decide to do, be sure to have fun.

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