Press "Enter" to skip to content

Squirrels revealed to be spies for university’s hologram president

The following article is a part of our April Fool’s edition, The Scoop. The content of these stories is entirely fabricated and not to be taken seriously.

Those chattering critters might seem cute and fuzzy on the outside; but on the inside, they are secret spies commanded by Bradley’s hologram president Steve Sitenstand.

Using a secret tunnel system, the squirrels gain intel on the students and faculty at Bradley,  delivering messages about anything suspicious. 

“The Bradley squirrels have been a huge help with getting acclimated to the campus culture,” Sitenstand said in a prerecorded message to The Scoop. “I knew from the first moment I was plugged in that I had to get in the squirrels’ good graces.”

Sitenstand started with small talk and then built up to his real mission: asking the squirrels to spy on the students and faculty and to write the speeches addressing the campus community. 

The translation process occurs at various times and may coincide with unreliable Wi-Fi connection. 

With the new technology, the hologram was able to communicate with the animals around campus, and the squirrels were ready to discuss campus functions with the university leader. A squirrel-friendly dashboard was created so the squirrels could input information directly for the hologram to decipher. 

The squirrels see and hear all. It may appear as if they are just begging for some of your Chick-fil-A fries, but they are actually reading your every move and calculating what moments they will report to the hologram in charge.

At night, the squirrels either sleep or travel to and from the Sitenstand’s headquarters. For this reason, they built bunny bots to take watch after dusk. Every morning while people are still asleep, the bunny bots provide information about any important events that occurred overnight before returning underground to recharge their batteries. 

Sitenstand is grateful for the work of the squirrels and the efforts they have made to make the president feel welcomed and informed. 

“I don’t want them to cause any trouble,” Sitenstand said. “They are just meant to watch and relay information since I don’t have any legs.”

The computer science and engineering departments are currently looking at ways to better streamline the communications between the squirrels and the hologram technology while also finding a way to give the hologram the ability to move around campus on its own. 

“I hope I can one day walk around campus without the worry of the Wi-Fi cutting off,” Sitenstand said. “It would give me the chance to be one with the squirrels and watch what they do.”

Copyright © 2020, The Scout, Bradley University. All rights reserved.
The Scout is published by members of the student body of Bradley University. Opinions expressed do not necessarily reflect those of the University.