The following article is a part of our April Fool’s edition, The Scoop. The content of these stories is entirely fabricated and not to be taken seriously.
Of the many problems facing the modern Christian, there is none greater than premarital sex.
While the traditional solution has always been abstinence, the Catholic Church recently released a controversial new statement: Everyone should get married younger. Want to make love to that special someone without upsetting the Lord, and more importantly, your parents? Get married!
Sure, is this a major life decision about to be casually thrown away for potentially meaningless teenage sex? Not at all! The Church definition of marriage, recently reaffirmed to yet again disenfranchise homosexual couples, is “the indissoluble union of a man and a woman open in itself to the transmission of life.”
What better way to prove your union is indissoluble than by starting it before your brains have finished developing? And what is the transmission of life if not getting it on in your parents’ house because you can’t afford your own place yet?
Celebrate Amoris Laetitia Family Year right by starting one of your own. Become a model for God’s love on Earth while also modeling that perfect work/school/life balance.
In his address on the subject, the Holy Father states, “Let us support the family! Let us defend it from all that compromises its beauty.”
This new decree from the Vatican is sure to protect the family from such compromises to its beauty like premarital sex and the gays.
At the local level, Oldman Center director Monsignor Dylan Downey is in favor of this statement.
“This world is full of brokenness and can only be fixed by the saving love of Christ,” Downey said. “If that’s realized as more weddings at Saint Mark’s, I’m all for it.”
A representative for the parish declined to comment on whether or not Downey believed this new decree would actually lower premarital sex on campus. The Scoop will post the updates as they come.
Many people say that adolescents have no sexual morals anymore. Prove them wrong by waiting until marriage. Is that marriage taking place before the national average? Yes, but, when you know, you know. After all, with the Lord guiding these new unions as they go forth in life and happiness, what could possibly go wrong?
